Headliner

Ham Bone Express smokes Mayfest field

I think what happened was, the organizers of Mayfest 2008 needed a headliner for the Zone Stage, the one between the the bouncy castle and the Dodge Ball Dome, downwind from the Ham Bone Express.

Just about that time, my CD came in. You know my CD, Look What I Made!, the one with the picture on the cover of the little girl holding the fake poop?

Gotta be kids' music, right? There's a 3-year-old on the cover of the album! Never mind the track titles on the back, My Fat Ass Itches and Her Shit Don't Stink. We have our show!

I couldn't have asked for a better setup. The other adult performers, the ones playing closer to the beer tents, had to work big stages, high above the audience, projecting their voices through massive sound systems.

Me, I got a concrete slab under an awning, facing a three-foot-high row of green bleachers — just the spot for Mom and her tired toddlers to take a load off and snack on some Fried What!

A bellyful of entertainment

To their credit, a couple of well-honed acts set the stage nicely for me.

Lee Fortune, my recording engineer for the evening, stoked himself with corn dogs and beer and offered cogent observations about the prodigiously endowed Anahata Bellydance Company, whose members jiggled expertly but failed to draw reaction from an impressive but exhausted group of parents and pre-schoolers.

"They're belly dancers, all right. Look at the belly on that one!" Lee said. "I can't even see her belly button. When are you going on? I've got six tickets left and I need another beer."

I can say little about the follow-up, ShaBling, other than they're an ambitious rap act comprised of sneering 7-year-olds, and they cleared the place out.

But really, I'm OK with that, because I'm only really at home on stage when I can address all the audience members by name. When I shout, "One, two, three, four," I'm not just starting off a song, I'm counting the house.

Who booked this guy?

Off-key and out of tune, I launched into my sanitized, county fair-friendly set, hoping only that my voice would drift out among the stragglers on the Riverbank or inside the AT&T tent or at the Art & Market and entice them my way.

A few wandered by but were quickly distracted by the bright lights and excitement of the nearby pig races. "Come back! I'm not finished entertaining you yet!" I called woefully as they hustled away.

That's the story of Mayfest 2008. You people who believe show business is all about girls and drugs and tattoos and other cool things, you don't live in my world.

All that stuff, see, that's for the superstars of entertainment. Guys like the Ham Bone Express. What a bunch of pigs, those guys.

Hear me live

Please listen to some selections from my Live at Mayfest show, including the original blues tracks Why Don't You Get A Job and I Feel Bad, folk rocker Big Black Barn and People I Know.

You can also catch the first three songs on Episode 259, Episode 260 and Episode 261, respectively, of the popular Dalecast podcast.

Mayfest 2008 photos by Danny Bollinger

I'm not finished entertaining you yet!   (0:13).

 kturet at 2:23pm Sun, Jun 1, 2008. Posted in: Gigs

Unstoppable

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: May 24-30, 2008
Title: Show Number 253, Show Number 254, Show Number 255, Show Number 256, Show Number 257, Show Number 258, Show Number 259
Download the show: Episode 253, Episode 254, Episode 255, Episode 256, Episode 257, Episode 258, Episode 259

I've been on a fantastic run with Dalecast, where host Steve Wheatley has featured a different Ken Turetzky track for each of the past seven shows.

In fact, I even broke out of the Dalecast comedy ghetto on the latest episode with a spin of my blues track, Why Don't You Get A Job (Live at Mayfest), extracted from my recent performance in Fort Worth.

In order, Steve also generously featured (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, My Fat Ass Itches, Her Shit Don't Stink, the rarely heard Today Was A Very Good Day, I'll Get Old And Die and The Ballad Of Morris The Cat.

Naturally, all of that exposure lifts my profile, with Her Shit Don't Stink sitting at No. 1 on the weekly Podsafe Music Network Comedy chart.

"4 tracks in the charts today, huh?" writes Steve. "Send me that 20 quid now!!! (40 dollars to you!!). But I'll settle for a jingle/bumper."

As you know, Steve, I'm fresh out of quid — damn those oil prices! — but the bumpers are on their way.

Seven in a row:   (3:24).

 kturet at 3:47pm Fri, May 30, 2008. Posted in: Podcast Roundup

I'm smart! Not like everybody says!

Podcast: Snark Infested Waters
Date: May 24, 2008
Title: Snark Infested Waters for 5/24/2008
Download the show: Snark Infested Waters for 5/24/2008

If only the entertainment world followed the example of Snark Infested Waters host Taylor Kent, I'd be well on my way toward an HBO special, a private jet with its own parking spot in front of my Park Avenue high-rise, and perhaps even a legendary speedball overdose.

Feted first with A tribute to Ken Turetzky, now as the subject of a wide-ranging, 52-minute interview, I'm basking in the glow.

And with all of this rapturous attention from Snarky, a primary figure in the Misfit Christian/sci-fi/fantasy/Dementia movement, I feel as if I've attained nerd-vana.

What did he just say?

"The thing with your stuff that I noticed is…yeah, it's got a bad attitude, but it's smart!" an observant Taylor told me.

"And I think that's what sets it apart from a lot of other comedy music. A lot of your stuff, the first pass would be like, yeah, this is OK, it's got a nice tune." Then: "Wait, what did he just say?

"And you pay a little more attention to it and it's like wow, this is really smart when you think about it. And that's the thing that really got me with your music was, wow, start really listening to this, the lyrics are really smart. Really good stuff!"

All that praise, following years and years of rejection, was too much for me. So we engaged other fascinating subjects, including lunatic genius Jerry Lewis, the unfortunate decline of Dr. Demento's iconic radio show, the evolving music business, songs about death and Jesus, masturbation jokes and politics.

Rebel without a cross

Taylor's an interesting character, a fundamentalist Christian cautiously exploring the heresy of independent thought, which lives for him in the worlds of science fiction, anime, Demented music and gentle proselytizing. All of which give me douche chills, to one degree or another.

But that's why the Lord made podcasts, I suppose. Christians and even Demented music fans might enjoy Taylor's Misfit Christians program, where you'll hear such smart and ironic commentary as "God only sanctions certain beers."

Snark Infested Waters fans will also be pleased to learn that Taylor has restored his classic tagline, "If you don't know Jesus, you're screeeeeewed."

I appreciate the sentiment, but you're not gonna find me in church there, Snarky. I've got everything I need here in my own private hell!

Audio dynamite

I'm not offering communion here. Just these tasty samples from my interview with the Snarky Avenger:

Hello, mistah!   (0:29).

You're very offensive:   (1:02).

Smart comedy:   (0:56).

Dr. Demento:   (0:44).

Angry:   (0:27).

Death and Jesus   (0:45).

Masturbation jokes:   (0:33).

There's nothing but people:   (0:23).

Bombing at Mayfest:   (0:34).

Coming up: More whining!   (0:34).

If I don't make it:   (0:10).

Full interview:   (51:42).

 kturet at 2:19am Thu, May 29, 2008. Posted in: Interviews, Dementia, Podcast Roundup

Small world

Podcast: Dalecast
Date: May 11 and May 17, 2008
Title: Show Number 241, Show Number 246
Download the show: Episode 241, Episode 246

Looks like I'm getting edged out by new blood.

At least the new guys are some of my old friends, as I shared the comedy bloc with new songs by the Volume Brothers and Tyrone Kahn (The Kahn Man) on two recent episodes of Dalecast.

For Show 241, host Steve Wheatley sandwiched (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon between the podsafe tunes Bad JuJu and White Van Man from the Volume Brothers, produced by UK fav and my old MySpace pal Chris Wilkinson.

Chris has asked me to contribute tracks to a couple of earlier Volume Brothers tunes, which you'll find in my music player.

He also brought me into the Sunday international Ventrilo music jam, where I met another talented songwriter, Chris Sammon. But hell, I sleep late on Sunday these days, so Sammon got the call for White Van Man.

aka The Kahn Man

I knew Tyrone originally through his old streaming comedy radio show, and later helped him start his Kahn Man's Comedy Corner podcast.

But Tyrone's a budding recording artist as well, and was thrilled to learn that Dalecast featured his cross-cultural (though out-of-season) holiday mash-up, It's Chanuclaus!, on Episode 246, preceding my own The Ballad Of Morris The Cat.

Podcasters may be interested to learn that Tyrone's got another, urgent new track out there called Let Me Pee. Well, who's stoppin' ya, Kahn Man?

Stuck in the middle:   (0:54).

 kturet at 3:00am Sat, May 24, 2008. Posted in: Podcast Roundup

Phil's no douchebag

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Date: April 28, 2008
Title: New Microphone! New Mixer! Same Old Sh@T!
Download the show: Show 131

Big Phil made a big mistake and now he's feeling bad about it. I'll let him tell the story:

Sometimes less is more

Well, perhaps you didn't need to pause so much during your monologues, Phil, and I didn't need all those extra verses you helpfully removed from Her Shit Don't Stink! I think we've all benefited from this collaboration.

You're no douchebag, Phil. However, I'd like to thank my anonymous brother musicians who rallied to my defense and called Phil a douchebag. Even though he's not one.

Guess I came out ahead, anyway, as Phil assuaged his guilty conscience by playing my song (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, unedited.

I'd say we're squared. Next controversy, please!

It was all in good fun:   (2:31).

 kturet at 7:24pm Wed, May 21, 2008. Posted in: Podcast Roundup

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