Tough crowd

Podcast: Schnauzer Logic
Date: April 2, 2008
Title: Episode 65
Download the show: Episode 65

These Schnauzer Logic guest spots are bruising.

At first, host Robin Goldstein greeted me with yards and yards of welcoming new-guest laughter, stoking my ego and sending me running for my copy of One Hundred and One Elephant Jokes to plan further hilarious interviews.

By my seventh and latest appearance, however, the introductions had grown perfunctory, the silences following my punchlines leaden, dissatisfied, even threatening. Several regular members of the studio panel even failed to appear for my visit, citing “work” or “family” obligations.

Always the trouper, I worked the room hard but my audience (including Sean Meehan and Ms. Pac-Man co-inventor Steve Golson) lay there like loxes, soaking up reflected flop sweat (and razzing me in absentia for my painfully deliberate phrasing).

Fanning the flames

From the start, My impromptu campaign speech rolled off course like a Barack Obama gutter ball.

I described Obama’s leading proponent, Oprah Winfrey, as “an empty fat suit.” The candidate himself, to paraphrase Archie Bunker, is “just a good-lookin’ white guy dipped in chocolate.”

Conversely, I praised John McCain’s Republican appeal as a white guy who’s overcome “an awful lot of diversity” to win the nomination. He’s just the man to emulate our current leader, George W. Bush, who, after 9-11, “united America in a shared bloodlust.”

If I sound like a guy who caucused in Texas for Hillary Clinton, it’s because I am. Still, when offered the opportunity to serve as a convention delegate, I declined, explaining “I’m not that committed to democracy.”

Vote Edwards-Murphy in 2008!

And yet, I believe my most astute political observation, one that likely will fly right past the voters this November, identified retired candidate John Edwards as the best choice for President, primarily because he looks like Audie Murphy, who killed a lot of Germans in the War and immediately thereafter became one of Hollywood’s finest film actors.

Audie Murphy’s a real hero, sort of like Dick Cheney, who emerged from his bunker on Groundhog Day and saw his shadow, ensuring civilization would face another six weeks of nuclear winter.

But I’ve retired that joke, along with my political campaign, and from now on, when approached by podcasts and radio hosts, will vow only to discuss my annoying neighbors and the cute things my kids say.

Some gems from the campaign trail

Let’s close with a big shout-out to Robin, who played (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and then hit the post with her 50,000-watt intro of my latest, People I Know!

Meanwhile, I’ve churned nearly an hour of interview to extract only the freshest phrases. Quote me at your next primary caucus!

 Ken effin’ Turetzky  (0:46).

 The one who’s always disappointed  (0:25).

 Find me at jewcollarcomedytour.com!  (0:43).

 Channeling Kenneth  (0:27).

 Caucusing for Hillary  (0:39).

 Who will speak for the bullies?  (0:36).

 Oprah’s an empty fat suit  (0:18).

 Robin hits the post  (2:04).

 A shared bloodlust  (0:13).

 Overcoming diversity  (0:28).

 A regular Albert Schwartzer  (0:24).

 Hoop screams  (0:23).

 Working for Pravda  (0:52).

 More time with my inner demons  (0:09).

 Slowest talking person on the show  (0:15).

 Full interview  (48:07).

Posted in: Interviews at 7:15 pm Fri, Apr 11, 2008.

One comment

1. 

   Schnauzer Logic says:
   

   12:13 pm Sat, Apr 12, 2008

   Robin loves Ken Turetzky

   Sean loves Ken Turetzky

   Sheri loves Ken Turetzky

   Parviz isn’t sure if he’s spoken with Ken Turetzky

   Steve Golson loves Ken Turetzky

   More Ken!

   More Turetzky!

   More Audie Murphy references!

   peace out

   Reply