Headliner

Ham Bone Express smokes Mayfest field

I think what happened was, the organizers of Mayfest 2008 needed a headliner for the Zone Stage, the one between the the bouncy castle and the Dodge Ball Dome, downwind from the Ham Bone Express.

Just about that time, my CD came in. You know my CD, Look What I Made!, the one with the picture on the cover of the little girl holding the fake poop?

Gotta be kids’ music, right? There’s a 3-year-old on the cover of the album! Never mind the track titles on the back, My Fat Ass Itches and Her Shit Don’t Stink. We have our show!

I couldn’t have asked for a better setup. The other adult performers, the ones playing closer to the beer tents, had to work big stages, high above the audience, projecting their voices through massive sound systems.

Me, I got a concrete slab under an awning, facing a three-foot-high row of green bleachers — just the spot for Mom and her tired toddlers to take a load off and snack on some Fried What!

A bellyful of entertainment

To their credit, a couple of well-honed acts set the stage nicely for me.

Lee Fortune, my recording engineer for the evening, stoked himself with corn dogs and beer and offered cogent observations about the prodigiously endowed Anahata Bellydance Company, whose members jiggled expertly but failed to draw reaction from an impressive but exhausted group of parents and pre-schoolers.

“They’re belly dancers, all right. Look at the belly on that one!” Lee said. “I can’t even see her belly button. When are you going on? I’ve got six tickets left and I need another beer.”

I can say little about the follow-up, ShaBling, other than they’re an ambitious rap act comprised of sneering 7-year-olds, and they cleared the place out.

But really, I’m OK with that, because I’m only really at home on stage when I can address all the audience members by name. When I shout, “One, two, three, four,” I’m not just starting off a song, I’m counting the house.

Who booked this guy?

Off-key and out of tune, I launched into my sanitized, county fair-friendly set, hoping only that my voice would drift out among the stragglers on the Riverbank or inside the AT&T tent or at the Art & Market and entice them my way.

A few wandered by but were quickly distracted by the bright lights and excitement of the nearby pig races. “Come back! I’m not finished entertaining you yet!” I called woefully as they hustled away.

That’s the story of Mayfest 2008. You people who believe show business is all about girls and drugs and tattoos and other cool things, you don’t live in my world.

All that stuff, see, that’s for the superstars of entertainment. Guys like the Ham Bone Express. What a bunch of pigs, those guys.

Hear me live

Please listen to some selections from my Live at Mayfest show, including the original blues tracks Why Don’t You Get A Job and I Feel Bad, folk rocker Big Black Barn and People I Know.

You can also catch the first three songs on Episode 259, Episode 260 and Episode 261, respectively, of the popular Dalecast podcast.

Mayfest 2008 photos by Danny Bollinger

I’m not finished entertaining you yet!  (0:13).

Posted in: Gigs at 1:23 pm Sun, Jun 1, 2008.

6 comments

1. 

   Jon P. says:
   

   6:40 am Wed, Jun 4, 2008

   If you sing as well as you blog, there’s still time to change careers. Not trying to be mean, but consructive criticism at this point would just prolong the agony for you and us.

   Other than that, there’s instrumental music and hiring a writer. Cheers.

   Reply
2. 

   Ken Turetzky says:
   

   11:14 am Wed, Jun 4, 2008

   Thanks for the compliment!

   I always enjoy hearing from my fan.

   Reply
3. 

   Ste says:
   

   1:58 pm Wed, Jun 4, 2008

   Hey Jon P..

   there nowt wrong with Ken’s singin!! There is a sure lot worse out there in Comedy Land and better as well lol.

   When Ken goes into Jerry Lewis Mode he always meks me smile!

   Great tunes, great blog (One of the least boring I Read as well!)

   I’ll have that barrel of oil now Ken !! lol

   Cheers ma dears!

   Reply
4. 

   TuSK says:
   

   2:17 am Fri, Jul 4, 2008

   Ken those are some great pictures. The pic slider script is damn spiffy. Dont listen to Jon. Release your inner bard…

   Reply
5. 

   Musician says:
   

   12:52 am Sun, Jul 6, 2008

   You sing quite well. :]

   Reply
6. 

   Ste says:
   

   2:26 pm Sun, Jul 13, 2008

   Are ye ganna get this blog updated or what?

   Will send the dog round mind hinnie!!

   Reply