Nation asks: Who will be the next weiner?
The time for panic will arrive soon enough.
As the Department of Homeland Security often reminds us, every American should know when to abandon all sense, cover your mouth and nose with a 10-cent dust mask from Home Depot and imagine you’re bleeding internally.
But that moment is not here yet.
Nevertheless, these is tough times for pigs, what with Mexico’s population decimated from the swine flu and Americans unsure who to blame for the potential pandemic. Should we blame the Mexicans or the pigs? Or the gays, unwed mothers, and for the hell of it, our old standby, the Jews?
Pig love
The blowback from swine flu has sidelined such popular acts as the Ham Bone Express, my old nemesis from the 2008 Fort Worth Mayfest, and I imagine some apprehension among 4-H families regarding the status of a good many midwestern county fairs scheduled for this summer.
From my perspective, I always enjoy visiting the Pig Barn and waiting patiently for a smiling, 4,000-pound swine, with an 8-digit tattoo on its left ham like an Auschwitz victim, struggle to its feet to enjoy a farewell scratch under the chin.
They’re intelligent animals, really! Even smarter than dogs, which are really, really smart animals themselves!
News alert: Ham Bone Express sequestered!
Which brings me back to the Ham Bone Express. Whole hog excitement for your next event! pronounces its site, which also proclaims it champions of the dubious NPRA (National Pig Racing Association).
The proprietors write:
Greetings Ken,
Charlie and I just read your blog. You my friend are very funny.
At this point the public mood has not affected our bookings. However, we have made the choice to sequester our olympig racers to elevate the chance of suspect fair goers contaminating our precious pampered performers.
Thanks for your concern and keep on racing!
Charles and Carol Boger
Now, Carol mounts a brave front (cleverly turning the controversy on its curly little ear, so to speak), but I know she’s concerned about the future of her enterprise. The shame of it is, pig racing was just earning long-deserved recognition as a big-time sport, rivaling pro wrestling and Major League Baseball. I mean, it’s at least as legit as NASCAR!
Who will be the next weiner? asks the inscription on the Ham Bone Express trailer.
That’s a question all of us should be asking ourselves right now. Will it be me, you, or the swine flu?
Posted in: at 12:57 pm Fri, May 1, 2009.
4 comments
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I’ve decided to double my bacon intake, Ken. It’s the least I can do for the greater good.
Time for a bacon buttie methinks with brown sauce!! A Sunday Morning tradition here in Blighty!
I’m gonna double my bacon rashion too!! Or maybe treble it
It’s ‘wiener’.
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