The Dallas entertainment folks asked me to submit a for my set, anchoring the Exposition stage from 9-10 p.m. Friday, May 7 at .

Had to look that up to find out a stage plot is a diagram of your band setup. Seemed pretty silly to draw a plot for just me and my guitar. But I made one anyway and dressed it up in Photoshop.

Oh, the show itself will suck. But my stage plot displays excellent initiative and an active mind!

Check the for more details.

Fair Park is site of the 1936 Texas Centennial Exposition and host to the world’s largest collection of Art Deco exhibit buildings, art and sculpture, along with numerous museums and other attractions.

Free admission! Exposition Plaza is located on the west side of Fair Park between gates 3 and 4, near the Esplanade. Park outside, pay $12 to park inside or ride the .

Take the Map of Fair Park with you!

Related posts:

1. Catch me at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival!
2. See me perform Friday, May 2, at Mayfest!
3. This is the Artist’s Underground stage

Hey! Anybody plan to be in Austin this weekend to catch all the hot bands playing SXSW?

I’ll be there, too, playing an .

Unaffiliated SXSW events are events not affiliated with SXSW, the big, big music party, but occurring at the same time as SXSW.

Are we clear? Good! Here are the details:

See me from 7:30-8 p.m. Saturday, March 20, at the Red River Art Party, at Willow Avenue in downtown Austin, just a couple of blocks from the convention center.

The production will take place on an outdoor stage at the studio of resident artist Mark Goad in the building.

Big lineup

Some 17 bands will perform Saturday, including my Facebook pals and , and the location provides easy access to the rest of the action, affiliated and otherwise.

Admission is free, but donations, raffle items, a silent auction and art sales will benefit Mark’s friend Mimi, who suffers from Multiple Sclerosis.

Call (214) 434-9625 or (214) 738-4853 for more information.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Me and Bill make the society page
2. Jammin’ with The Ugly Guys
3. It’s just like being held hostage

One thing that was obvious to me as I watched grind out his driving, bluesy anthems on a recent Saturday at Bill’s Records, is how these outlaw country artists really live the genre.

Bandana-wrapped, bristly, beery (or recovering from a life of beeriness), Ray Wylie and his junior outlaw pal, , would rock day and night, even if KHYI 95.3 FM didn’t sponsor their shows, or fans didn’t pack the house to listen.

Guthrie Kennard (l) and Ray Wylie Hubbard

Ray Wylie’s all, Screw You, We’re From Texas and . No apologies, no regrets.

Me, I start begging for relief 30 minutes into a 45-minute set. If I’m an outlaw, it’s because I refuse to practice. I’m already exhausted from living the life that inspired my horrible songs. How much does this business want from me, anyway?

Nevertheless, I enjoy the vibe at Bill’s KHYI-sponsored shows, and I’m hoping for the best when I perform on The Porch from 7-8 p.m. Wednesday, January 27, during KHYI Boulevard Unfiltered Wednesdays at , in Irving, Texas. Call (972) 506-7262 for details.

Famed DJ will play host, and I’ll be sharing the stage with . Lotsa laughs, if you can hear me over the happy hour din.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Watch me open the Duct Tape Gala
2. Me and Bill make the society page
3. Alive and kickin’ with Texas Trevor and W.C.

I get a nice plug from reporter Lyndsay Knecht Milne at nbcdfw.com:

Cool! I’m snarky, shocking and anti-folk. That’s three more adjectives for the book.

Now, who the heck are the Moldy Peaches?

Related posts:

1. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil meets Long John
2. Today Was A Very Good Day
3. Hyper Nonsense: Payloadz meets the Internet trolley of love

I’m well aware these open mic sessions can drag on, as with a holiday party where you don’t know anyone and you spend the last hour plotting how to sneak out the front door like a burglar.

In fact, I recall one particular evening at the when, about three hours into a two-hour event, a large fellow in a hoodie stepped up to the microphone, said, “My name is Lamar and this first song is called I Miss You,” and for the next 30 minutes entertained us a capella with a quavering falsetto that never quite found a melody.

I felt like a hostage.

Expect a similar experience when you catch my turn as DFWSOM featured artist, 7-9 p.m. CDT Thursday, January 7, in the Community Room at , 5803 E. Northwest Highway in Dallas. Call (214) 379-8000 for details.

Expect my bookstore set, which means I’ll only be pushing the limits of good taste, instead of crossing the line into unforgivably offensive songs and social commentary. Although at this point I can hardly tell the difference.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Snark Tank Radio Variety Hour: A tribute to Ken Turetzky
2. It’s my turn, FDM!SOM!
3. Jammin’ with The Ugly Guys

“Don’t worry about this cough. Jews don’t get the Swine Flu. We get the Whine Flu!

“Oh, my, Gawd, is this guy back again? He’s hooorrrible!” I mock-kvetched to the sparse audience during my Memorial Day weekend set.

To compound the misery, Bill’s booker Becky Hyden has posted a pair of , where you can see me failing miserably in front of nobody.

Believe me, it’s better that way.

Becky added some fancy video edits with the help of Windows Moviemaker, though! Titles, cuts, transitions, the whole thing.

Against my better judgment, here’s the evidence:

Why Don’t You Get A Job

Let Love In

Related posts:

1. New video: Stink, Live at Bill’s Records
2. Screw you, I’m an outlaw, too
3. Comedy Music Cellar: The return of Kip Dynamite

Roving photographer Danny Bollinger missed my show; grabbed an image of the banner out front of the Artist Underground Stage at the .

Post-mortem and horrifying video to follow!

Related posts:

1. Catch me at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival!
2. Bad video: I’ve Got A Hole In My Head
3. Tasty Logic: The kid can write his own ticket!

It’s festival time again, kids, and that means I’ll be onstage outdoors at an inappropriate time for adult humor, slinging Her Shit Don’t Stink and My Fat Ass Itches out amongst the face painters and fried Snickers concessions.

The folks at the 15th annual will almost certainly regret inviting me to perform from 11:30 a.m.-12:15 p.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist’s Underground stage. Admission is free.

Haven’t decided on my strategy as of yet. Should I adapt to the hour or go for a lifetime ban from all public events? Take a look at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival map, then find me on Main Street, between Crowdus Street and Malcolm X Boulevard.

The festival will run from Friday, April 3, through Sunday, April 5, featuring more than 75 bands and 100 artists. An estimated 60,000 people will attend.

So, come on out, stick your fingers in your ears, and enjoy the show!

Related posts:

1. This is the Artist’s Underground stage
2. Catch me Friday, May 7 at CityArts Festival!
3. Bad video: I’ve Got A Hole In My Head

I feel a sense of history when I play the big stage at the , mostly because the place is old, . That’s where you get your history from. Old stuff.

Dallas used to have some history, but it doesn’t any more. Blind Lemon Jefferson and Robert Johnson played the neighborhood some decades back, before the city scraped all that shit . As more buildings go down, the blocks around SOHH are looking mighty naked.

But what do we care, we’re young! I played my opening set at the Duct Tape Gala, helping raise money to ship care packages to the 302nd MP Company in Iraq. Scored a cheap flag pin, too.

Country Dan sings a sad song

Afterward, I wandered into the bar downstairs, where some friendly, retired fraternal folks invited me to share their spaghetti dinner, and then offered to sell me some life insurance. Ran into Country Dan Chandler, an acoustic blues player I knew from around town who looks like John Goodman with a Curly haircut.

“You’re probably wondering where I’ve been,” Country Dan said, removing his straw hat long enough to rub his smooth head a few times.

“Well, my mom got sick and I moved down to her place to become her sole caregiver for the last two years. That’s all I did the whole time. Killed a deer and a couple of calves, grew enough vegetables to live on. Went down to the pond. The bass weren’t safe from me, either.”

This was a new Country Dan. Sober. On past nights, I’d seen him wrestling drunk girls in the Winedale parking lot like a bear in mating season, and even today he peppered his remarks with anatomical observations on this lady or that one. In such a focused state, though, his philosophy grew more intense.

“Got to get ready. Our turn will come around. Before we know it.” Damn, I thought. Does he mean me, too? But I have so much to live for! I got up to go.

“Haven’t felt like playing in a while,” Country Dan said amiably. “But I might feel like playing again. You’ll see me around.”

Photos courtesy of Tom Peal

, former host with wife of the lamented , sent me some .

I threw away all the boring ones and kept the ones of me.

Nobody listens

Also, please enjoy these boomy room recordings from my set, including some intrusive table chatter!

Her Shit Don’t Stink  (4:14).

I’ll Get Old And Die  (2:05).

Related posts:

1. Disturbed: myTunes music critic raises ‘Turetzky Syndrome’ alert
2. Watch me open the Duct Tape Gala
3. Hear me Monday, March 9, on KNON FM

“Everbody’s against the war and nobody likes cops!” a disappointed Bush voter told me recently. What better way, then, to celebrate our love for authority than the Duct Tape Gala, set for 3-10 p.m. CDT Sunday, March 15, benefiting the 302nd MP Company based in Mosul, Iraq.

Like Saddam’s green , I’ll be the sacrificial opening act, performing a brisk 30-minute set on the big stage at , 3414 Elm St. in Dallas.

An assortment of Texas progressive country acts will follow, including Ray Wylie Hubbard’s pal .

Stick ‘em up

Admission for the event is $7, or $5 and a roll of duct tape. Proceeds will pay shipping costs to send care packages to the 178 members of the 302nd MP Company, based stateside in Grand Prairie, Texas. Call 214-747-4422 for details.

The Duct Tape Gala gang and I earn a reference in the Dallas Morning News GuideLive listings.

Related posts:

1. Benefit raises funds, bad memories
2. Hear me Monday, March 9, on KNON FM
3. Alive and kickin’ with Texas Trevor and W.C.