Podcast: Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner
Date: February 2, 2010
Title:
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Tyrone Kahn (r) and subject

My pal Tyrone Kahn has a thing about profanity, at least where Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner is concerned, because he considers his monthly podcast to be family entertainment.

For example, Tyrone has created his own backwards version of the word shit, which he pronounces as yaish. Nobody’s the wiser, eh?

Farts are another story. On the phone, Tyrone farts frequently and without shame. “I can smell that one from here!” I tell him, while marshaling my forces for a return blast.

Surprisingly, until the new and very special episode of KMCC, , I’d never heard Tyrone cut one in the studio. But that’s just what he did, at the 44:08 mark.

We’re talking about stuff of interest only to the geekiest of Demented comedy music fans — my influences, how I conceived and recorded various songs, blah, blah, blah — and then, passing without observation, a clearly defined, Tyrone Kahn fart.

Talking to the animals

Tyrone has distinguished his show from other Dr. Demento-inspired entertainment by veering away from Weird Al and toward the independent artists whose work is safe for podcast consumption.

He’s also conducted interviews with his favorite artists, with mine the latest in a series that includes Dino-Mike, Bob Emmett, William “Bud” LaTour, Wally Wingert and Odd Austin.

But oh, how I can drone on, much like my hero Jerry Lewis, in his serious moments. Hoping to rescue the interview and even lift my mood, Tyrone began to interject.

“And they’re not just goofy stupid comedy songs,” I whined at one point about my misunderstood oeuvre.

“They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!” Tyrone cheerily declared.

“I feel like I have niche audiences everywhere,” I lied moments later. “If I could just bring them together….”

“It would be a peaceful world!” Tyrone cried, completing my thought. “And there’d be no wars; everybody would be holding hands and just enjoying your music.”

Finally, Tyrone’s message of optimism and hope began to sink in. Sure, I might be a dull interview, but I’ve written some pretty good songs!

“When you listen to my music,” I concluded, “it’s impossible to hate America.”

“Yeah,” said my pal Tyrone. “Yeah.”

Extended playlist

Throughout the show, Tyrone broke up the conversation with my songs People I Know (Live in Terre Haute), The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, Today Was A Very Good Day, She Won’t Blow Me, , If They Found Me Dead and Her Shit Don’t Stink.

Her Yaish Don’t Stink  (0:01)

Don’t hoit me!  (0:03)

Tyrone lights one up  (0:02)

They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!  (0:14)

A peaceful world  (0:25)

Full interview  (24:51)

Related posts:

1. Tyrone Kahn keeps the faith with more Demented music
2. Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale
3. Tyrone sets Kahnmanapalooza, intros new Turetzky bumpers

Podcast: Schnauzer Logic
Date: November 18, 2009
Title:
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I call it a stage persona, you call it a bad first impression.

Gotta admit, though, that I just can’t help myself. The invitation to appear on a rare episode of flips my joke-writing switch and starts me churning out the sort of dark, political, Yiddische commentary I would have hoped to read at Lenny Bruce’s memorial service.

Alas, once the show begins, I realize I’m expected to engage in conversation with a panel of literate grownups, all born too late for and too smart for radio, but perfect foils for the independent new medium of podcasting.

Confoundingly, though, I tend to treat a Schnauzer Logic interview like an open mic. A fresh line is dangled before host Robin Diane Goldstein and the panel. A restless silence follows. I scribble a note on my steno pad. iTunes subscriptions are canceled as once-loyal listeners flee.

Welcome back!

What I’d hoped for was more of the host’s generous, giddy laughter, unheard since April 19, 2008, in this first episode of SL since Robin placed the show on hiatus to deal with pressing medical issues.

But then that loser character — merely a theatrical exaggeration of some vague neurosis that once flitted through my otherwise untroubled mind — came back to bite me in the id.

Workshopping a new comedy bit, I kvetched to Robin about a woman who drunk-dials me to complain that I refuse to stalk her like all her other ex-boyfriends.

Well, said Robin, explaining the terrifying silence that followed, “the first thing that’s surprising is that you have an ex-girlfriend. Your songs don’t lead one to believe that you would have a rich and rewarding romantic life.”

I see now my amusing comedy persona has consumed itself, like a snake eating its own tail. Unless it wasn’t a persona, and it was really me all along. I’m so confused!

At least I still have those uncomfortable silences! They’re pretty funny. Right?

To illustrate her point about my poorly socialized personality, Robin played my unreleased song, Let Love In.

Hits and misses

Nevertheless, I managed to unleash a few sparkling comedy zingers:

Nobel committee vindicates ‘Albert Schwartzer’ crack  (0:26)

No gigs for Parviz. Can I open?  (0:17)

I reject the fake audiences  (0:19)

I’ve written a song that even makes me cringe  (0:42)

David Carradine has spoiled suicide for everyone  (0:27)

I’d hate myself even if I wasn’t Jewish  (0:24)

A rich and rewarding romantic life — not  (0:34)

Obama doesn’t look a bit Hawaian  (0:20)

I refuse to compromise  (0:25)

I’ll see you in hell!  (0:15)

Reaching out to Robin  (0:22)

Full interview  (43:47)

John DeKoven is America’s funniest neocon  (0:14)

Related posts:

1. Schnauzer Logic: Conversation with Ken
2. Schnauzer Logic: Let me bomb again
3. Schnauzer Logic: Happy Fuckin’ Anniversary

Podcast: The One Minute How-To
Date: December 17, 2009
Title:
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What? You funny?

Honestly, I expect that reaction. Who made this nudnick the spokesmodel for stand up? By what authority is some would-be, who’s never been closer to a special than his TV remote, now the go-to guy on getting laughs?

Well, there’s your first lesson in show business: You don’t have to be good. You just have to know somebody. And I know George Smyth.

My dear, dear friend George recently asked me back to podcast to deliver a 60-second lecture entitled, .

Bringing the funny

And why shouldn’t George call? I’m ratings gold. My two previous entries for the series, How To Write A Funny Song and How To Perform For An Audience, have attracted more than 20,000 downloads.

George says OMHT has collectively logged 3.7 million downloads since its inception in April 2006.

Fact is, I think I have learned something during my weeks and weeks in comedy about making people laugh. In one minute of magic, here’s what I told George:

Related posts:

1. The Write Stuff: Ballad Of Morris The Cat
2. The Write Stuff and Power Ogg: Robert G Parent loves to dance
3. The One Minute How-To: All of a sudden, I know something

Podcast: Tasty Logic
Date: March 28, 2009
Title:
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: Sensitive composer Arthur Kennedy’s sitting at the piano during mobster Elia Kazan’s fancy blowout, and reluctant welterweight Jimmy Cagney implores him, “Come on, Eddie. Play that song that I like.”

So Arthur Kennedy begins his sweaty classical masterpiece, and the partiers ignore him, start talking even louder, and Arthur Kennedy responds, bitterly, “I’ll show them,” and breaks into a wild, cheap, popular number he’s been holding in reserve.

Predictably, the crowd instantly perks up. As they gather ’round the piano, snapping their fingers, a Broadway producer rushes up and shouts, “The kid can write his own ticket!”

Is this artistic success? No? Well, at least the people are listening!

Hair me, feel me

“One week you’re great and the next week you’re shit,” I told podcaster Mark Ramsey, as we recorded after business hours in the tiny outer office of his family’s North Dallas wholesale wig business, which also serves as the studio. “Or nothing, which is worse than shit. You would rather they hate you than ignore you.”

Tasty Logic was an early entry in my Podcast Roundup when Mark, then based in Houston, played My Fat Ass Itches on the , edition of his show.

He’s since mounted a Dallas Cowboys/fantasy football podcast called , and with this episode announced he’s “rebooted” Tasty Logic as a Dallas-Fort Worth arts and entertainment show.

Blah, blah, blah

We talked about the usual stuff — the origin of (Thanks, hemorrhoids!), vs. and the now-familiar story of How I Got Started In Music.

Mark allowed me to plug my upcoming set at the , 11:30 a.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist’s Underground stage.

I also performed my own reviled tunes, Her Shit Don’t Stink and My Fat Ass Itches, inadvertently blasting the vocal mic. Sorry about that. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength!

But ultimately, the discussion helped me focus on a winning strategy for the 21st Century — cultivating hate.

Victory in defeat

“That’s what I go for now. [Audiences] don’t realize they absolutely love what they hear. They’re reacting to it. They think they hate it, but I know they love it,” I said.

“When I’m being kicked out of the bar, that’s a victory for me and them. Do they realize when they’re banning Her Shit Don’t Stink and telling me never to play it again, they’ve actually had a reaction to it?

“I need to convince more people to hate me. Then I’ll know I’ve made it!”

Tasty Logic interview: Ken Turetzky  (22:50).

Related posts:

1. Tasty Logic: My Fat Ass Itches
2. Schnauzer Logic: Conversation with Ken
3. Schnauzer Logic: Do your feet smell?

Some radio people, the bad ones, the yukkers, fear nothing so much as dead air, that second or two of silence where thoughtful people might consider what they’re going to say next, but where radio people imagine listeners spinning the dial over to some other babbling idiot.

And so I’m surprised, pacified, relieved of tension inside the KNON FM 89.3 studio, where Texas Trevor and his sidekick, the convivial W.C., banter at the boom microphones like a pair of trail-worn ranchhands, exchanging dubious pleasantries about the weather:

It’s a graaaaynd day to be a Texan!

And so my visit went like that, with the boys leaving me room to do my thing and filling in with plugs for the Duct Tape Gala, where I’ll be playing the 3 p.m. set Sunday, March 15 at in Dallas.

It’s a love song, ’cause we love it!

I selected three appropriate tunes for the occasion, , and . The hosts seemed satisfied.

“That’s as romantic as I get,” I confessed after finishing my comic murder ballad, True Love.

“Well, it’s a love song!” Trevor said. “You know why it’s a love song, don’t you? ‘Cause we love it!”

“Can we go to the phones and take some hate calls?” I asked.

But it was time for me to make way for the next band.

“I believe you were talkin’ about how great it is to live in Texas, just before we played that ,” Trevor later addressed his partner.

“Don’t it make you proud?” W.C. replied.

“It makes me proud!”

You know why it’s a love song, don’t you?  (19:53).

Related posts:

1. Hear me Monday, March 9, on KNON FM
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Keeping the fun alive
3. Mad Music Dementia Top 20: ‘Die’ is still alive

These knuckleheads have got journalism licked.

They figured out that sending reporters to interview newsmakers creates a lot of overhead, as publishers refer to the low-paid professionals who fill their pages with content, thereby justifying the publishers’ country club memberships.

Better idea: Let your subjects interview themselves. Call it “community journalism.” Save on shoe leather!

Thus, PegNews entertainment reporter dispatched a a provocative survey to select Dallas-Fort Worth musicians, sat back and waited for the narcissistic, romantic, self-loathing, even delusional responses to roll in.

She got five back. Mine arrived first, I guess. So I get to this shindig.

Spreading the love

“Local comedy musician Ken Turetzky generally hates our questions and it shows,” Erin writes by way of introduction.

Even so, I’m still a fabulous interview subject. Check out the March 4, 2009 edition, while I’m still on the !

Otherwise, look inside for .

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1. Disturbed: myTunes music critic raises ‘Turetzky Syndrome’ alert
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Starving dogs and some exciting music news!
3. News summary for April 07, 2006

Podcast: The One Minute How-To
Date: October 27, 2008
Title:
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The coolest thing I’ve learned from listening to The One Minute How-To is that if you want to become an expert at something, all you have to do is declare yourself an expert and appear as a guest on The One Minute How-To.

I’ve done it twice. It’s easy.

First time was about a year ago, when I described for OMHT host George Smyth, .

The result? Some 9,000 people downloaded my episode. I am recognized as the world’s leading authority on the subject. Anybody wants to know how to write a funny song, they come to me. I tell them, “Go away, you stupid, unfunny people. I can’t help you.” Then they ask me for stock tips.

Take my advice — please!

Anticipating more magic, George returned to the trough of Ken Turetzky. Well, who wouldn’t want to be an expert on two subjects? I responded with a brand new gem entitled, .

Gold! Another 3,000 downloads, and a boost for OMHT, which began in and recently surpassed 2 million downloads.

Here’s what I told George:

So, there you go. First I taught you how to write a funny song, and then I told you how to crawl on stage and shove your talent down the audience’s throats.

Now, go get ‘em. Just don’t blame me when you flame out. I’ve got enough problems!

Related posts:

1. See me perform Friday, May 2, at Mayfest!
2. The One Minute How-To: All of a sudden, I know something
3. MMDT20: Outrageous! MMA audience in revolt

Podcast: Snark Infested Waters
Date: May 24, 2008
Title:
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If only the entertainment world followed the example of host Taylor Kent, I’d be well on my way toward an HBO special, a private jet with its own parking spot in front of my Park Avenue high-rise, and perhaps even a legendary speedball overdose.

Feted first with , now as the subject of a wide-ranging, 52-minute interview, I’m basking in the glow.

And with all of this rapturous attention from Snarky, a primary figure in the Misfit Christian/sci-fi/fantasy/Dementia movement, I feel as if I’ve attained nerd-vana.

What did he just say?

“The thing with your stuff that I noticed is…yeah, it’s got a bad attitude, but it’s smart!” an observant Taylor told me.

“And I think that’s what sets it apart from a lot of other comedy music. A lot of your stuff, the first pass would be like, yeah, this is OK, it’s got a nice tune.” Then: “Wait, what did he just say?

“And you pay a little more attention to it and it’s like wow, this is really smart when you think about it. And that’s the thing that really got me with your music was, wow, start really listening to this, the lyrics are really smart. Really good stuff!”

All that praise, following years and years of rejection, was too much for me. So we engaged other fascinating subjects, including lunatic genius , the unfortunate decline of iconic radio show, the evolving music business, songs about death and Jesus, masturbation jokes and politics.

Rebel without a cross

Taylor’s an interesting character, a fundamentalist Christian cautiously exploring the heresy of independent thought, which lives for him in the worlds of science fiction, , Demented music and gentle proselytizing. All of which give me douche chills, to one degree or another.

But that’s why the Lord made podcasts, I suppose. Christians and even Demented music fans might enjoy Taylor’s program, where you’ll hear such smart and ironic commentary as “God only sanctions certain beers.”

Snark Infested Waters fans will also be pleased to learn that Taylor has restored his classic tagline, “If you don’t know Jesus, you’re screeeeeewed.”

I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re not gonna find me in church there, Snarky. I’ve got everything I need here in my own private hell!

Audio dynamite

I’m not offering communion here. Just these tasty samples from my interview with the Snarky Avenger:

Hello, mistah!  (0:29).

You’re very offensive  (1:02).

Smart comedy  (0:56).

Dr. Demento  (0:44).

Angry  (0:27).

Death and Jesus  (0:45).

Masturbation jokes  (0:33).

There’s nothing but people  (0:23).

Bombing at Mayfest  (0:34).

Coming up: More whining  (0:34).

If I don’t make it  (0:10).

Full interview  (51:42).

Related posts:

1. Snark Infested Waters: Morris is still dead
2. Snark Infested Waters: I’ll Get Old And Die — Again and Again
3. Snark Infested Waters: Where do I sign up to meet Jesus?

Podcast: Schnauzer Logic
Date: April 2, 2008
Title:
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These Schnauzer Logic guest spots are bruising.

At first, host Robin Goldstein greeted me with yards and yards of welcoming laughter, stoking my ego and sending me running for my copy of to plan further hilarious interviews.

By my seventh and latest appearance, however, the introductions had grown perfunctory, the silences following my punchlines leaden, dissatisfied, even threatening. Several regular members of the studio panel even failed to appear for my visit, citing “work” or “family” obligations.

Always the trouper, I worked the room hard but my audience (including Sean Meehan and Ms. Pac-Man co-inventor ) lay there like loxes, soaking up reflected flop sweat (and razzing me in absentia for my painfully deliberate phrasing).

Fanning the flames

From the start, My impromptu campaign speech rolled off course like a Barack Obama .

I described Obama’s leading proponent, , as “an empty fat suit.” The candidate himself, to paraphrase Archie Bunker, is “just a good-lookin’ white guy dipped in chocolate.”

Conversely, I praised John McCain’s Republican appeal as a white guy who’s overcome “an awful lot of diversity” to win the nomination. He’s just the man to emulate our current leader, George W. Bush, who, after , “united America in a shared bloodlust.”

If I sound like a guy who for Hillary Clinton, it’s because I am. Still, when offered the opportunity to serve as a convention delegate, I declined, explaining “I’m not that committed to democracy.”

Vote Edwards-Murphy in 2008!

And yet, I believe my most astute political observation, one that likely will fly right past the voters this November, identified retired candidate as the best choice for President, primarily because he looks like , who killed a lot of Germans in the War and immediately thereafter became one of Hollywood’s finest film actors.

Audie Murphy’s a real hero, sort of like Dick Cheney, who emerged from his bunker on Groundhog Day and saw his shadow, ensuring civilization would face another six weeks of nuclear winter.

But I’ve retired that joke, along with my political campaign, and from now on, when approached by podcasts and radio hosts, will vow only to discuss my annoying neighbors and the cute things my kids say.

Some gems from the campaign trail

Let’s close with a big shout-out to Robin, who played and then hit the post with her 50,000-watt intro of my latest, !

Meanwhile, I’ve churned nearly an hour of interview to extract only the freshest phrases. Quote me at your next primary caucus!

 Ken effin’ Turetzky  (0:46).

 The one who’s always disappointed  (0:25).

 Find me at jewcollarcomedytour.com!  (0:43).

 Channeling Kenneth  (0:27).

 Caucusing for Hillary  (0:39).

 Who will speak for the bullies?  (0:36).

 Oprah’s an empty fat suit  (0:18).

 Robin hits the post  (2:04).

 A shared bloodlust  (0:13).

 Overcoming diversity  (0:28).

 A regular Albert Schwartzer  (0:24).

 Hoop screams  (0:23).

 Working for Pravda  (0:52).

 More time with my inner demons  (0:09).

 Slowest talking person on the show  (0:15).

 Full interview  (48:07).

Related posts:

1. Schnauzer Logic: Conversation with Ken
2. Schnauzer Logic: You can’t tuna whitefish
3. Schnauzer Logic: Happy Fuckin’ Anniversary

Podcast: Schnauzer Logic
Date: November 19, 2007
Title:
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Robin Goldstein took a good 14 weeks to absorb the blow of her 50th birthday, reassessed her place in the universe and, learning nothing, invited me back as a guest on .

For my part, I managed to stop the show cold with my open mic bits, including a redundant impression, vague, unformed complaints about the negative effects of aging on the human body, and plugs for my renovated music blog.

Bring ‘em on!

Still, it’s good to get out and bomb again. If nothing, my uninspired performance prompted co-host Parviz Fathali (in-studio with Robin and Sheri Stevens) to call bullshit, injecting some energy into the proceedings as, briefly roused, I counterattacked with vicious shots to the comedy manhood of Parviz and bemused fellow guest (appearing twice weekly at the , Pleasanton, Calif.).

Closing strong

Finally, I shared some words of wisdom with Robin, whose consistently articulate accounting of her trials has helped me understand that it’s not just my life that’s horrible, but everyone else’s, too.

“In the end,” I said, “you’re going to find that it’s not the bitter failure that counts — It’s all the shit that you have to go through to get there.”

Happy 50th, Robin!

All new look, same old shit  (0:47).

Selling CDs for Red Peters  (0:48).

Baby needs a new pair of bifocals  (0:17).

Fighting back  (1:05).

Losing again with John Edwards  (0:23).

Gratuitous Seinfeld impression  (0:52).

Too late with the Maniston  (0:21).

A podcaster looks at 50  (0:55).

Full interview  (31:27).

Related posts:

1. Schnauzer Logic: Conversation with Ken
2. Schnauzer Logic: Tough crowd
3. Schnauzer Logic: Mistakes have been made