Turetzky Syndrome - Bad-Attitude Acoustic Comedy Music » Lyrics

I’ll Get Old And Die

kturet — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 01:16:01 +0000

Lyrics and band info

I’ll Get Old And Die

I’ll get old and die one day
I’ll get old and die
You’ll see me on my cloud waving
Bye, bye, bye
At the time I take my leavin’
Then I guess I’ll just quit breathin’
I don’t need a damn good reason
I’ll get old and die

I won’t live forever
and I won’t go fast
But you cannot kill me
Cause I was made to last
I’ll shrivel up just like a raisin
As I slowly keep on agin’
It will all be quite amazin’
I’ll get old and die

BREAK

I won’t get the cancer
And I won’t get the clap
I won’t get hit by a bus
No, I won’t go like that
My fate will rest in Jesus’ hands
Departing for the promised land
Where there’s no Republicans
When I get old and die

I’ll get old and die one day
I’ll get old and die
You’ll see me on my cloud waving
Bye, bye, bye-bye
At the time I take my leavin’
Then I guess I’ll just quit breathin’
I don’t need a damn good reason
I’ll get old and die!

I’ll Get Old And Die (128k)

$.99 (320k)

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica

Brandon Higgins: Drums

Song history

Dr. Demento Show, . Show topic is “Thanksgiving”.

The Ballad Of Morris The Cat

kturet — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 17:01:59 +0000

Lyrics and band info

The Ballad Of Morris The Cat

He was lyin’ on the floor when I found him there
9-Lives catfood in his scraggly hair
I didn’t cry, but don’t say I’m mean
He was only a cat but he was seventeen
Morris…Morris the Cat

I’d found him on the step when I went out for the milk
His eyes were like glass and his fur like silk
He was so cute, I couldn’t turn him away
Now he’s made me so rich, I’m proud to say
Morris…Morris the Cat

He’d act so finicky and he’d prance about
He’d sneer at his catfood and go eat out
But one look at him and I had no doubt
This was some cat, this
Morris…Morris the Cat

I was walkin’ my cat when he caught the eye
Of this cute little blonde, she let out a sigh
She said, What do you call this little guy?
I said, Ma’am, his name is
Morris…Morris the Cat

She said, you know, you should be on TV
And I knew she wasn’t talkin’ to me
I looked at my cat and he was pleased as could be
He could see his name in lights
Morris…Morris the Cat

He made thirty commercials and they wrote his bio
Folks knew his meow from Maine to Ohio
Invested in stocks and he made big bucks
The delivered his fan mail in
To Morris…Morris the Cat

Started dressin’ fancy in white tails and spats
Got himself a condo full of female cats
Got so cocky, started chasin’ dogs
Bought himself a solid gold scratchin’ log
Morris…Morris the Cat

For years he lived it up, played Vegas, ran around
Though the docs told him Morris, you gotta slow down
He’d just laugh and say, Gotta do the town….
Then the big one cut him down
It was the last meow for
Morris…Morris the Cat

Well, we came to the pet cemetery on a rainy day
Morris’s friends all had a meow or two to say
Then we lowered him down in his favorite litter box
With some cans of 9-Lives chicken and lox

When the crowd cleared out, everything was still
I couldn’t say I felt too bad
‘Cause I got everything in the will
Yeah, he was some cat, that
Morris…Morris the Cat

The Ballad Of Morris The Cat (0:51) (128k)

$.99 (320k)

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Lead and background vocals, acoustic guitar

Lee Fortune: Background vocals, bass guitar, Peruvian clay turtle whistle, egg shaker

Song history

Dr. Demento Show, . Show topic is “Cats”.

Get lyrics and band info for Look What I Made!

kturet — Fri, 12 May 2006 23:39:56 +0000

Get lyrics and band info
for Look What I Made!

Write three verses and a chorus and you’ve got yourself a song that everyone wants to hear. It’s just that simple. Now available: for all five tracks from my EP,

Track info for Look What I Made!

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:34:41 +0000

Track info for Look What I Made!

Produced and engineered by at Bright Spot Music Studios, Dallas, Texas.

Musicians include:

Ken Turetzky — Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica
— Background vocals
— Acoustic and lead guitars, bass guitar, keyboards and egg shaker
— Percussion
— Keyboards
— Egg shaker

Additional mastering by Terry McIntyre

Photography by John Estridge (booklet back cover) and Ken Turetzky (booklet front cover)

Booklet design by

Tracks

My Fat Ass Itches

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:33:41 +0000

Lyrics and band info

My Fat Ass Itches

Been on the street all day
I’ve been all over town
Gonna be on my feet some more, you know I can’t sit down
Because my fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
And oh, I can’t be livin’ thisaway
Old boy come up to me
Say, Buddy, you got a match?
I said, I don’t have time right now
You know I gotta scratch
Because my fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
And oh, I can’t be livin’ thisaway

I’m ridin’ in the subway
And ooh, I gotta scratch
A cop slaps on the handcuffs
And say, Boy, you can’t do that
Just ’cause your fat ass itches
Your fat ass itches
Your fat ass itches
But oh, you can’t be livin’ thataway

Well, I used to have a woman
But I couldn’t love her right
Said, Honey, please excuse me
And come back tomorrow night
Because my fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
My fat ass itches
And oh, I can’t be livin’ thisaway

Oh Lord, I tried Preparation H, hot bath, high-fiber diet, yoga, meditation and prayer meetings. But nothing will relieve this nagging itch. I fear it will be with me until my last dyin’ day.

….Baby, you don’t know what discomfort is.

Aaaaaaaaah!

My Fat Ass Itches (1:10) (128k)

$.99 (320k) •

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica

Daria McBee: Background vocals

Lee Fortune: Lead guitars and bass guitar

Terry McIntyre: Percussion

Song history

Dr. Demento Show, . No. 3 song on
“Funny Five”.

Dr. Demento Show, . No. 4 song on “Funny Five”.

Dr. Demento Show, . No. 5 song on “Funny Five”.

Dr. Demento Show, .

No. 5 song on DFSX Comedy Radio for 2004.

Debuted on Sirius Radio Channel,
Dec. 9, 2004.

Distributed nationally by Prep Service for week of July 26, 2004.

Her Shit Don’t Stink

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:32:58 +0000

Lyrics and band info

Her Shit Don’t Stink

She thinks her excrement has no odor
Some people got it, she got it too
It’s just a gift that makes her special
The thing that makes her better than you

Her shit don’t stink
Her shit don’t stink
Her shit don’t stink
Her shit don’t stink

She cuts a fart and calls it music
She says she likes to pump her own gas
But let her smell your fear and it’s over
At your fun’ral she’ll be blowing Taps

Chorus

She’ll only have a man if he’s pretty
Berates him for his zero IQ
She makes him change and then she dumps him
Because now he’s not the man she knew

Chorus

One day a scientific commission
Will probe her soul, her body and mind
They’ll try to date her but she’ll refuse them
When it’s finished this is what they’ll find:

Chorus

Her Shit Don’t Stink (1:33) (128k)

$.99 (320k) •

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica

Daria McBee: Background vocals

Lee Fortune: Bass guitar

Song history

Red Peters Comedy Music Show Year-End Countdown, .

Placed third in opening round of Red Peters Listener Submission Countdown on Sirius Radio Howard 100/101 that concluded April 9, 2006. Advances to year-end final.

Red Peters Show, .

Debuted on Sirius Radio Channel,
August 11, 2004.

Distributed nationally by Prep Service for week of July 26, 2004.

Don’t Really Matter

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:31:57 +0000

Lyrics and band info

Don’t Really Matter

I’m in love with that girl right there
Pretty Mexican girl with the dark brown hair
Big brown eyes and hands so small
Seen one Mexican girl and you seen ‘em all

I asked one out and I asked one more
The first one laughed and the other looked bored
I don’t ask for a reason and they don’t say
And I don’t know why but it’s always that way.

Six feet tall and she is it
And I don’t have the common sense to quit
You can tell she’s a model but you know what they’re like
Starve like jockeys and besides they’re dykes.

Fat girls like me, yes they do
And I’ve liked them a time or two
Well, call me a pig but I confess
That I’ve been holding out for less.

In love with one, intrigued by another
Can’t stand this girl but I like her mother
They’re all different and they’re all the same
But it don’t really matter ’cause I can’t get laid.

Don’t Really Matter (1:19) (128k)

$.99 (320k) •

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica

Lee Fortune: Acoustic guitar, keyboards and egg shaker

Peggy Frey: Egg shaker

Song history

No. 13 song on DFSX Comedy Radio for 2004.

Debuted on Sirius Radio Channel,
Dec. 10, 2004.

Today Was A Very Good Day

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:30:20 +0000

Lyrics and band info

Today Was A Very Good Day

Today was a very good day
Some beautiful things went down in my world
Today was a very good day
I think that my luck is starting to turn
Uh-huh

I used to think that you were smart
Now I know that you’re stupid
You were so generous with your advice
But it all turned out to be wrong!

I saw her judging me
As we passed each other in the street
Well, she can go to hell
Because I’ll never see her again!

CHORUS

That bastard neighbor of mine
The one with the little gay dog
He put his trash out on my curb
And raised chickens in his back yard

Sometime before the dawn
About when his rooster starts crowing
He rode away in an ambulance
And I hear that he’s dead!

CHORUS

I’ve got a plan to cut my debt
Take care of the money that I owe
I’ll have to make sure that I die
Before the bank gets its money!

I used to work out at the gym
And run 20 miles a week
But I felt too goddam good
And so I just fuckin’ quit!

CHORUS

My girlfriend’s living with someone else
But she won’t tell me his name
I always said one day she’d leave
And see! I was right all along

I went to see a Shakespeare joint
Blah blah, blah blah, “et tu, Brute?”
I thought the play would never end
Before my bladder exploded!

CHORUS

Today Was A Very Good Day (1:55) (128k)

$.99 (320k) •

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar and harmonica

Daria McBee: Background vocals

Lee Fortune: Bass guitar

Jerry Impini: Keyboards

Terry McIntyre: Percussion

Song history

Dr. Demento Show, .

No. 35 song on DFSX Comedy Radio for 2004.

Debuted on Sirius Radio Channel,
Dec. 3, 2004.

If They Found Me Dead

kturet — Tue, 02 May 2006 08:29:09 +0000

Lyrics and band info

If They Found Me Dead

If they found me dead
Dead and gone
My spirit fled, my life at end, my body done
I’d be in a better place, a peaceful smile upon my face
My clammy fingers wrapped around the gun

If they found me dead
As a lox
And on my plate a burger from Jack-In-The-Box
Who would go to work at 8
And do that stupid job I hate
And wear the toes out of my socks
If they found me dead
As a lox?

If they found me dead
Stiff as wood
But really, lookin’ for a dead guy
Prety good
In my dear, departed state
I’d be forever celibate
I woulda got a lot more
If I could

If they found me dead
Dead and gone
My spirit fled, my life at end, my body done
I made a lotta crummy plans
But now I wouldn’t give a damn
The coolest cat in Forest Lawn
If they found me dead
Dead and gone!

If The Found Me Dead (1:20) (128k)

$.99 (320k) •

The band:

Ken Turetzky: Vocals, acoustic guitar

Daria McBee: Background vocals

Lee Fortune: Bass guitar and keyboards

Terry McIntyre: Percussion

Song history

No. 39 song on DFSX Comedy Radio for 2004.

Debuted on Sirius Radio Channel,
Dec. 1, 2004.