Podcast: Dalecast
Date: December 17, 2008
Title:
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Those of us who work tirelessly in music naturally feel great satisfaction when our years of struggle finally pay off with the recognition we so richly deserve.

And so it is with pride that I announce my cover of a Sinatra classic, , has cracked the Mevio Music Alley .

Thanks, Steve!

Other than myself, for my spastic vocal performance, I must thank Steve Wheatley of the almost-daily Dalecast for this fantastic honor. I’m now on the chart with a bunch of other stupid songs, more than one of whose titles include references to “boobs.”

Steve has played Fly Me To The Moon a total of 38 times, originally on Dalecast 158 in February 2008 and most recently last January on Dalecast 681.

Dalecast recently achieved a milestone of its own as well with , for which I contributed a Jerry-inspired bumper.

“I find your show very moving,” I tell Steve before switching to my Jerry persona. “Because it makes me wanna “

In turn, Steve has acknowledged my contribution to his success. As of December 2009, almost 1,500 visitors selected the valuable links on turetzkysyndrome.com back to dalecast.co.uk, making this site Dalecast’s No. 2 outside referrer. Whatever that means.

Cheeky bugger!

I recommend not only Steve’s music show, but also his MySpace , where he delivers the news from Freaky Frosterley in a profane Northern England brogue.

Here’s a recent example from that I believe contained some sort of coded message to me:

Btw Kenneth, we will drop ya some tatties off when we have been to ASDA today… Maris Piper or King Edwards?? lol Cheeky Bugger!!! Will set the Freaks from Frosterley on ya mind!!

Steve also administers the streaming radio channel , featuring a lineup that now includes another UK podcast pal of mine, Dave Lee’s .

But enough about all that. Episode 1,000 now looms on the horizon and we can’t spend the day on a history lesson. As Steve says on his blog (:

Rightyo, time to pack me bucket and spade and a few egg n cress butties and off to the coast! Toodle Pip!!

Happy No. 700!  (0:23).

The one and only sound of Mr. Ken Turetzky  (4:59).

Related posts:

1. Dalecast: Powerplay payoff for Fly Me To The Moon
2. Dalecast: Steve won’t stop playing my songs
3. Dalecast: Beware the British Batman

Podcast: Big Phil’s Love Parade
Date: January 3, 2010
Title:
Download the show:

While the rest of the country collapsed into a financial puddle during 2009, host Big Phil enjoyed a fine annual return.

He cranked out his raw, politics-and-porn Sunday night podcast on a consistent basis, held on to his thankless white-collar job, banned soy from his diet and trimmed down, dyed his bald head orange, and survived a spectacular Oklahoma City .

New year, same old Bizarro Phil

Predictably, Big Phil’s alter ego followed an alternate track. In his first annual greeting to listeners, Bizarro Phil revealed that he partied in 2010 by “having sex without protection” with his “kinky girlfriend.” Further, he announced, “I will drop acid. I am smoking a bong, smoking pot.”

Finally, a clearly addled Bizarro Phil said (coining a phrase), “I am trying to put a show snovel of blow in my nose.”

And then he saw Jesus.

As a perverse but popular artist, Bizarro Phil also decided to support his pal Big Phil by recording a brief promo, or for his favorite show.

“Of course, I am beatin’ my nutbag right now,” Bizarro Phil teased. “So watch out, ladies!”

Witty and intelligent

These contributions and more have made Bizarro Phil an audience favorite on Big Phil’s Love Parade. And so I was surprised yet proud when Big Phil chose to acknowledge not Bizarro Phil, but me, for my own contributions to the show.

“This man has done more to promote my podcast than I have!” he marveled.

Phil called me “A very talented guy“…”a very astute political observer”…”witty and intelligent.”

If only I was a movie, I’d splash that shit all over the bill.

Thanks, Big Phil. Back at you!

Phil’s been a great supporter of my music as well. During recent shows, he featured I Feel Bad – Live at Mayfest, Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest (twice), , , Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest and .

Happy New Year from Bizarro Phil!  (0:48).

This is Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

A very talented guy  (1:00).

He put a lot of work into that!  (6:03).

Related posts:

1. Big Phil out, Bizarro Phil in at Love Parade
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil brand could be in play
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil moves in

Podcast: Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag
Date: December 28, 2009
Title: Episode 114

If there’s anything I enjoy more than self-promotion, it’s promoting podcasters who devote substantial portions of their programs to talking about me.

I struck the jackpot with Michael Angel, host of and benevolent overlord to a modest cohort of Halo Heads, which is the name he gives to the people who download his podcast.

All it took was a few careless lines of criticism in the old Podcast Roundup, and Michael gushed buckets about my own perceived talent as a media provocateur. Takes an unchecked ego to know one!

As a result, Michael bestowed “featured artist” status upon me, replaying my song and adding The Ballad Of Morris The Cat for good measure.

Journalism is dead

“Ken, you nailed the essence of me,” Michael said upon reading my review in its entirety.

“Hey, Ken, I think you’re a great musician. But if you ever decide you don’t want to do that any more…Just writing op-ed pieces in a paper. I mean a big, major paper. Cause you got a talent, man; you got a way with words.”

How about that? Michael’s suggesting if I give up on one brutal, thankless career, I can go back to the brutal, thankless one in the dying industry I left behind. Thanks, Mike!

He kindly declared my Fly Me To The Moon “a classic” but lit up like a kid on Christmas while reading back his own words, as reproduced on my blog.

“It’s weird hearing a review of your show and having somebody see you through their eyes and what you seemed like. He nailed it; what can I tell you?”

Do the right thing

I’m just following the philosophy of Michael Angel, who closes each and every show with this benediction:

“I want you all to be good humans. Do something wonderful for somebody just because you can. And just because it’s the right thing to do, man. It’s great karma. And it will never ever, ever steer you wrong.”

You got a talent, man  (7:21)

Related posts:

1. To all the wonderful ladies
2. Knitting Time Together: Stuffed Morris
3. Bizarro Phil drops acid, sees Jesus

Podcast: Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag
Date: October 22, 2009
Title:

It’s always a joy to hear others rediscover, through my own mahvelous interpretation, the ecstasy of an uninhibited Jerry Lewis performance.

To think that a poor Jewish kid who came from nothing, the urchin who danced in the street for pennies just to maintain his Ripple habit — I’m talking about me now — would achieve podcast accolades by emulating someone far more talented than himself, is indeed humbling.

Now, Michael Angel is just the latest podcaster to enjoy a little reflected thrill by playing my very Jerry cover of a Sinatra classic.

Did you ever wonder?

“Did you ever wonder what it would be like if Jerry Lewis did the song ?” Michael asked during a recent episode of . “I’d like to dedicate this song to all the wonderful laaaaa-deeeeees!“

And just as I paid my own tribute to a comic genius, Michael observed Vegas protocol as he extended sincere accolades to me.

“Yep, that’s what it would sound like if Jerry Lewis did that tune. Ken, you nailed it, man. I don’t like everything Jerry Lewis ever did but I gotta tell ya, hearing him sing anything like that makes you crack up!”

Cult of the Halo Head

Michael’s a picture of self-promotion, describing his Dallas-based program as “the best unknown podcast on the net!” He claims about 850 subscribers.

His listeners are “Halo Heads,” who gather ’round their iPods as the laid-back host talks holiday shopping or his particular obsession, Barack Obama, then reaches into his “Cosmic Grab Bag” to select another tune.

Better get those episodes while they’re hot, as Michael does not keep a deep archive, deleting his old shows, and even his playlists, every week or two.

I recommend the Cosmic Grab Bag. Why wouldn’t I? Michael Angel digs my Jerry Lewis impression. Check it out!

You nailed it, man!  (01:46)

Related posts:

1. You nailed the essence of me
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: You don’t know Jerry Lewis
3. The Write Stuff and Power Ogg: Robert G Parent loves to dance

Podcast: Bugcast
Dates: March 27 and April 10, 2009
Titles: ,
Download the show: ,

Dave Lee probably figures he’s built a solid foundation of work and a loyal audience over 65 weekly episodes of the U.K.-based Bugcast.

I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing invested in the chat-and-music program, and see Dave’s archive as a soundbed of coughs, sighs, belches, grunts and assorted exclamations I can combine with a few non-sequiters to completely mischaracterize his intent.

In other words, I’ve alienated another podcaster who foolishly played one of my songs (The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, on ).

On the other hand, Dave’s show is much, much funnier now!

I just can’t help myself

But to quote another long-suffering podcaster pal of mine, Big Phil, That is what I do. That is my job. Very glad to help you.

Dave’s show (recorded live most weeks) and site are remarkable for their consistency and domesticity. Kids sent off to bed for the evening, he plays an eclectic mix of music, greets the fans in the chatroom, bemoans his latest speeding ticket, introduces his wife as she wanders by the microphone, reads listener feedback, comments on news from the BBC.

He coins charming phrases. “This has prompted a bit of a chatty on the chatroom,” Dave says.

He’s controversial. “I think we are naturally a race of survivors, not of killers.”

Show notes are promptly and meticulously updated, including both links to musical artists’ sites and music source (generally ).

Thanks to Colin of the podcast who, while he has wisely never played any of my music, did recommend me to Bugcast.

And Dave, don’t even think about taking a lozenge before you start your show. I can get talk and music anywhere. But that hacking cough is comedy gold!

This is a happy show, isn’t it?  (0:32).

I haven’t played Ken Turetzky, myself  (2:05).

Related posts:

1. Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions
2. Mad Music Comedy Zone: DT introduces my new song (wink, wink)!
3. Dalecast: Steve won’t stop playing my songs

Podcast: Comedy365
Date: February 17, 2009
Title: Chickenflaps, Episode 28

The veil has come off, and we now know that Rosie Koonunga-Hill, the voice behind the curious Chickenflaps intro, is none other than the female half of the unknown U.K. comedy team Sowerby and Luff, Georgina Sowerby.

“Originally hosted by Georgina Sowerby’s foul-mouthed Aussie alter-ego Rosie Koonunga-Hill, Chickenflaps is now produced and presented by Richard Cray. The show features the very best comedy songs from around the Internet…,” reads the page on the re-designed and now nearly impenetrable site.

Still don’t know why the show’s called Chickenflaps; still don’t care.

However, I’m generally pleased to report my third appearance on Chickenflaps (See Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions and Stop flapping; it’s not funny), the second with Richard Cray as host.

Those funny, funny Brits

From its mysterious title to its colloquial jokes and references to obscure , Chickenflaps is a fount of idiomatic entertainment.

Here’s this episode’s description, which I filed away before Comedy 365 wiped much of Chickenflaps’ history off the Google map:

Cray works from a script  — and most importantly, pronounces my name correctly, even if the producers misspelled it — and the show’s overall sound is professional, if not spontaneous.

“Love is in the air,” he says. “Not in a fluffy Valentine’s way. More in an obsessional and murderous Jerry Springer girlfriend-you’re-a-werewolf or some other kind of fictional creature way. None of your gushy American Idol star ballads on this show, folks, no!”

The menacing playlist includes my song, .

Fluffy valentine  (1:03).

Related posts:

1. Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions
2. Chickenflaps: Stop flapping; it’s not funny
3. Mad Music Show: Cap’n Wayne cries poop, dooms culture

Podcast: Poddycast
Date: November 20, 2008
Title: Episode 4

If only I’d gotten there sooner. I could have written a little something, promoted Marc’s show a bit, and perhaps would still be with us.

But the U.K.-based podcast ceased production in January after 21 episodes, and its old domain returned to the soil, yielding only a .

Marc (I never got a last name) founded his show with the help of host Steve Wheatley. From the beginning, however, Poddycast was beset with technical problems.

Although the program featured a strong intro and decent production, Marc’s nearly inaudible segues created a jolting contrast. Emphatic delivery aside, he sounded as if he were calling in his part from a submarine. And perhaps he was.

No accounting for taste

For the sake of history, please enjoy this brief segment from Episode 4, featuring my song .

Betraying his bad taste, Marc also played ‘s odorous alt-rock Vasectomy song.

That’s all, folks!  (0:55).

Related posts:

1. Dalecast: From hi-fi to history
2. Hyper Nonsense: Still whoring
3. Dalecast: Wheatley makes the cut

Podcast:

Big Phil’s Love Parade
Dates: December 28, February 8, 15, March 22, 29, April 5, 19, May 4, 2009
Titles: , , , , , , ,
Download the show: , , , , , , ,

Big Phil’s . Identity in question, he’s not sure whether he’s really Big Phil, Bizarro Phil, Bald Phil (He confesses he’s also stopped shaving his head!) or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.

Which Phil is he today? “The Bizarro Phil, not…the Phil…Big Phil!” he replies triumphantly after some hesitation. Sigh.

Madison Avenue is shaken. Analysts suggest the U.S. $1B Big Phil brand could be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Phil Thompson, host of the popular podcast , continues to try on new hats, seeking the best fit for his smooth dome.

Bizarro Phil — A history

The first fissure appeared during the fall presidential campaign, when the Love Parade introduced a provocative new character named Bizarro Phil.

And just who is Bizarro Phil? He’s a contrarian, Big Phil’s doppelganger, the voice inside his head, the .

As the progressive-minded Big Phil launched weekly tirades against Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and other right-wing politicos, Bizarro Phil emphatically denounced purple asses and the Democratic Party.

Bizarro Phil was a disruptive force, undermining Big Phil’s authority with the 6,000-plus fans who download the Love Parade podcast each and every month.

For instance, Big Phil took yet another week off — I mean, presented one of his “famous”  — and Bizarro Phil hosted a music show of his own, revealing that he was “whackin’ off right now.”

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil

Big Phil and friend

When Barack Obama won the election, Big Phil proudly waved the flag with his own patriotic music mash-up, dubbing inspirational Obama speech snippets (“Yes we can!” blah blah blah) over the rousing Richard Strauss composition .

Bizarro Phil’s ironic response? A kazoo orchestra interpretation of the same song, with Bizarro Phil asking the musical question, “I am so gay. How gay?”

Finally, a desperate Big Phil introduced a tip jar to his site and invited listeners to contribute. Only, Big Phil insisted, he would never “beg for money.”

Bizarro Phil entertains no such compunction. “I am begging for money, to pay for my abortion,” Bizarro Phil declared in a voice mail to Big Phil’s hotline.

“Ken is always trying to make me say I’m gay!” Big Phil protests, somehow confusing me with his anarchistic nemesis. But “I myself am not gay,” he reassures his audience.

Speak up for cheesy porn music

My interest in the outcome is simple. I’ve invested heavily in Big Phil and I’d like to see the enterprise continue to prosper. The geniuses now squeezing the life out of will understand when I explain that Big Phil sends many suckers, I mean visitors, to my own site, where they read the blog, type Jesus Killer in the comment box and depart.

As an example, thanks to Big Phil, my site is No. 3 on Google for the phrase .

That’s how I described Big Phil’s closing theme, brother ‘s Smooth Talker, which I informally retitled .

And you know what? Cheesy porn music is very popular on Google, along with and other disreputable phrases that drive traffic my way.

Anyway, if Big Phil cracks up, insiders whisper that network execs are prepared to offer Bizarro Phil a generous package to take over the coveted Sunday night slot. Gotta have a backup plan!

On recent shows, Phil played my songs My Fat Ass Itches, , , and , the latter two performed live at Bill’s Records in Dallas.

Big Phil vs. Bizarro Phil

Big Phil’s favorite moments  (4:47).

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

Big Phil is not gay  (2:41).

Bizarro Phil begs for money  (0:48).

Related posts:

1. Big Phil out, Bizarro Phil in at Love Parade
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil meets Long John
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: We own ‘cheesy porn music’

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: December 26 and 31, January 4, 16, 19 and 31, February 13, 19-21 and 28, March 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 2009
Titles: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Download the show: , . (Additional episodes available at . If unavailable, send a .)

I keep waiting for a break in the action here. Maybe Steve Wheatley will stop playing my songs, the same pitiful few, over and over again, so I can summarize the latest batch of episodes with a entry.

“Somebody asked how many times I’ve played his tunes on now. I’ve actually lost count!” Steve mused in his charming Weardale brogue during one recent show.

The answer, Steve, is 113 times. You’ve played my songs 113 times through Episode 525 of Dalecast on March 13. You’ve played 34 times. That’s way too many plays of (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon.

What’s to like?

So, why does Steve play my songs so frequently? Because he likes them?

“As always, many thanks for your blog on your website,” Steve writes (in his charming Weardale brogue). “Since you started mentioning me on yer blog, I’ve had about 170 referrals from you to the Dalecast site.”

Ah hah! So that’s why Steve plays my songs. For the referrals! You gotta know that nobody does nothin’ for free in this world.

Anyway, like many successful podcasters, Steve dreams of legitimate radio exposure that will validate his existence as an entertainer and musical kingmaker.

Streaming radio: Dead, dead, dead

And so Steve’s founded a streaming radio enterprise called , where he produces special episodes of Dalecast and gets to boss around a bunch of other deejays.

Now here’s the tragic reality of streaming radio. The RIAA . , at least.

Consider the sad facts. Total downloads for Dalecast, since July 10, 2007: 45,953. (Source: Dalecast.) Impressive!

Total listeners for one recent Dalecast episode on realRADIO1? Embarrassingly small. I won’t embarrass Steve with the number. (Source: Steve Wheatley.)

Ben Twisted gets the treatment

But on podcast and radio stream alike, Steve continues to promote new artists, such as up-and-coming loser , of and Vasectomy fame.

“You’re doomed to failure. Keep up the good work!” I Ben in a show of support.

He’s just that good. So good, in fact, that very soon he’ll be begging Steve Wheatley to stop playing his songs!

I’ve actually lost count!  (4:54).

Related posts:

1. Dalecast: Now with funny jokes!
2. Dalecast: Wheatley makes the cut
3. Dalecast: Beware the British Batman

Podcast: Big Phil’s Love Parade
Dates: October 20 and October 27, November 16, 2008
Titles: , ,
Download the show: , ,

As the presidential campaign rolled toward its momentous conclusion, I took time out from my rabble-rousing and lovingly edited one of host Big Phil’s socialist rants to make Phil sound like a complete fool.

Shockingly, the Big Dummy effusively praised my bit of character assassination, in which he appeared to rage about purple asses and declared that he’d vacate the country if Mr. Obama came up aces in the election.

I am so gay!

Phil named his alter ego Bizarro Phil. And as he droned on about his , the and other favorite topics, I realized that Bizarro Phil was way more interesting than Big Phil, and if Big Phil had any sense, he’d just get out of Dodge and rename the show Bizarro Phil’s Bizarro Love Parade.

Unlike the repressed Big Phil, Bizarro Phil is very free with himself, and holds nothing back. He says: I am Bizarro Phil. “I am wackin’ off right now. I am a nutcase and a homophobe. I am so gay! I love you!”

We love you, too, Bizarro Phil! And we’re also wackin’ off right now!

During recent shows, the original Phil played a couple of my songs, and .

I hope the new host, Bizarro Phil, will continue to support my music. As a gesture of good faith, I’ve employed sophisticated technology to introduce a brand new Love Parade tag!

Big Phil meets Bizarro Phil  (2:42).

Bizarro Phil returns  (0:58).

Related posts:

1. Bizarro Phil drops acid, sees Jesus
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil brand could be in play
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil moves in