Turetzky Syndrome

Big Phil out, Bizarro Phil in at 'Love Parade'

Ken Turetzky — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 07:42:22 GMT

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: October 20 and October 27, November 16, 2008
Titles: It's The 3rd Anniversary Show, And Joe The Plumber Ain't No Plumber, Is Sarah Palin Smarter Than A 3rd Grader?, The Music Show No. 11
Download the show: Show 156, Show 157, Show 160

As the presidential campaign rolled toward its momentous conclusion, I took time out from my rabble-rousing and lovingly edited one of Love Parade host Big Phil's socialist rants to make Phil sound like a complete fool.

Shockingly, the Big Dummy effusively praised my bit of character assassination, in which he appeared to rage about purple asses and declared that he'd vacate the country if Mr. Obama came up aces in the election.

I am so gay!

Phil named his alter ego Bizarro Phil. And as he droned on about his dental work, the Golden Age of Porn and other favorite topics, I realized that Bizarro Phil was way more interesting than Big Phil, and if Big Phil had any sense, he'd just get out of Dodge and rename the show Bizarro Phil's Bizarro Love Parade.

Unlike the repressed Big Phil, Bizarro Phil is very free with himself, and holds nothing back. He says: I am Bizarro Phil. "I am wackin' off right now. I am a nutcase and a homophobe. I am so gay! I love you!"

We love you, too, Bizarro Phil! And we're also wackin' off right now!

During recent shows, the original Phil played a couple of my songs, The Ballad Of Morris The Cat and My Fat Ass Itches.

I hope the new host, Bizarro Phil, will continue to support my music. As a gesture of good faith, I've employed sophisticated WordPress technology to introduce a brand new Love Parade tag!

Big Phil meets Bizarro Phil (2:42).

Bizarro Phil returns (0:58).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: Now with funny jokes!

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 12:42:42 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: October 23, 27 and 29, November 3, 6, 14, 20 and 25, December 17, 2008
Titles: Show Number 402, Show Number 406, Show Number 408, Show Number 413, Show Number 416, Show Number 424, StreamRadio Episode 3, Show Number 433, Show Number 451
Download the show: Episode 451. (Additional episodes available at Dalecast. If unavailable, send a request.

I treat the podcasters who play my music the same way I engage the spectators who unwittingly find themselves in the places I choose to perform.

You'll take what I give you and like it! is my message. It's not like there are any other musicians around to entertain you!

As a result, well-trained hosts such as Steve Wheatley of Dalecast were thrilled when I salvaged five songs from my November set at Bill's Records, the celebrated Dallas retail and concert venue, and dumped them into the Podsafe Music Network.

It's new to you

The collection includes two previously unreleased tunes, Let Love In and True Love, along with new versions (as if anyone asked for them) of Her Shit Don't Stink, If They Found Me Dead and I'll Get Old And Die. All five songs are loaded up in my music player for your enjoyment.

But what's really cool about these live tracks is they're not all slick and rehearsed like my studio recordings. They're, like, really bad, recorded directly from the mixing board, filled with sloppy guitar technique and phlegmy vocal performances.

Best of all, you don't just get me playing the same old songs the same old way, but you also get to hear me introduce my songs with funny jokes! Jokes such as:

"People say, Ken, you should write a protest song. I tell them, I'm not very political, but I do complain a lot! (I'll Get Old And Die)
"Time goes by and I realize I'm no longer the ambitious loser I used to be… ." (If They Found Me Dead)
"When my time comes, I'm not going. If God wants me, He's going to have to kill me!" (I'll Get Old And Die)

An old favorite

During one recent stretch, Steve introduced a few of the Bill's Records tracks, repeated songs from my embarrassing Live at Mayfest set, spun some more songs from Look What I Made! and, as if you could stop him, played (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon three more times.

Steve also found the time to turn 48 years old back on October 27, celebrating with a three-hour show featuring 48 of his favorite podsafe songs. Among those songs was Fly Me To The Moon.

The moral? Even funny jokes are no match for a stupid Jerry Lewis impression!

Dalecast mashup (3:26).

turetzkysyndrome.com

The One Minute How-To: How To Perform For An Audience

Ken Turetzky — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 07:36:20 GMT

Podcast: The One Minute How-To
Date: October 27, 2008
Title: How To Perform For An Audience
Download the show: Item No. 305

The coolest thing I've learned from listening to The One Minute How-To is that if you want to become an expert at something, all you have to do is declare yourself an expert and appear as a guest on The One Minute How-To.

I've done it twice. It's easy.

First time was about a year ago, when I described for OMHT host George Smyth, How To Write A Funny Song.

The result? Some 9,000 people downloaded my episode. I am recognized as the world's leading authority on the subject. Anybody wants to know how to write a funny song, they come to me. I tell them, "Go away, you stupid, unfunny people. I can't help you." Then they ask me for stock tips.

Take my advice — please!

Anticipating more magic, George returned to the trough of Ken Turetzky. Well, who wouldn't want to be an expert on two subjects? I responded with a brand new gem entitled, How To Perform For An Audience.

Gold! Another 3,000 downloads, and a boost for OMHT, which began in April 2006 and recently surpassed 2 million downloads.

Here's what I told George:

I'm qualified to do this particular show because I have so much experience bombing in front of all kinds of audiences. We could call this entry, "How To Annoy And Irritate An Audience." Everybody take my advice at your peril.

Before going in, you might want to assess your audience. If it's a bunch of 5-year-olds at a birthday party, you can go a long way with one good fart joke.

It could help for you to adopt an attitude. Remember why you're going on stage, which is to remind other people that you're more important than they are.

Second, embrace your fear! Your perspective will change through experience. I miss being scared before a performance because at least I knew I was alive!

Third, practice your material until you're sick of it. Only when you truly hate your best songs are you ready to perform in public.

Yeah, I've heard that the audience wants to like you. But what if their idea of having a good time is watching you fail? Here's where you have to fool them, by not failing and making them like it!

You'll probably screw something up. You might forget a lyric or even how to speak English. You might get heckled, or even worse, ignored. Keep going until you're done.

Then go back and do it all again. You'll get better every time. If you don't try, that only means that the terrorists have already won.

So, there you go. First I taught you how to write a funny song, and then I told you how to crawl on stage and shove your talent down the audience's throats.

Now, go get 'em. Just don't blame me when you flame out. I've got enough problems!

turetzkysyndrome.com

Jammin' with the Ugly Guys

Ken Turetzky — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:33:31 GMT

I've always enjoyed watching TV sitcoms, because the people in them are just like me — they never seem to go to work.

The Ugly Guys are particular role models, because they're 40-ish, emotionally stunted and dedicated to the principle that one lucky lottery ticket, or its equivalent get-rich-quick scheme, can compensate for a lifetime of irresponsibility.

As the Ugly Guys, Lee (ponytailed director and co-star Lee Cates) and Dave (a brutish David Kalmin) pursue various schemes involving Area 51, Bigfoot and a Girls Going Wild video series, all of which result in crushing disappointment.

In the latest Ugly Guys episode, entitled The Music Moguls, I appear as a musician (the desperate Ken Turetzky) who obstructs Lee's and Dave's efforts to showcase their hot young talent (newcomer Megan Heavlin Ochoa) at an open mic.

The episode also features my unreleased track, Let Love In, and an appearance by Lee Fortune, who produced my EP, Look What I Made!

Come meet the Ugly Guys!

The Music Moguls wraps up the second season of Ugly Guys. Lee Cates will screen the new episode during a Season 2 DVD release party at 7 p.m. CDT Tuesday, December 16, at Lee Harvey's, 1807 Gould St. in The Cedars neighborhood, just south of Downtown Dallas. Call 214-428-1555 for details.

As a bonus, I'll perform a set of funny comedy songs for everybody in the entire bar, including the ones who are there for Happy Hour and don't particularly want to watch a sitcom about a couple of losers.

The Ugly Guys have clearly left their mark. Sure, I could give up music and go get a job, but screw that. All it takes is one hit song, and I'll be rich!

• • •

Pegasus News: Ugly Guys Season Two DVD Release Screening Party

turetzkysyndrome.com

ISGD-PE: Syndroming

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:47:03 GMT

Podcasts: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition
Dates: October 5, 2008
Titles: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0039-OE
Download the show: Rant Oct 5, 2008

David Tanny, the comedy music impresario, is a restless genius.

He'll take one show, cut it up into three different shows, create an Internet radio station here, a podcast there…all to ensure his listeners remain in a constant state of confusion.

The sprawling, cluttered landscape known as DFSX Radio exists as a home for Dave's nostalgic world view, where AM Top 40 survives in perpetual drive time, and Halloween song parodies and fake farts provide the soundtrack for Southern California's endless summer.

Let the blithering begin

Which brings us to D.T. Rants: Ken Turetzky's Syndroming, a segment from Episode 39 of I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition.

Here, Dave stumbles through my dissection of his review of Tyrone Kahn's Kahnmanapalooza show. The feedback loop of incestuous references must leave listeners thoroughly perplexed.

But I'm always fascinated by Dave's lack of any editorial point of view, and even more so by his hilarious attempts to spell my name, clear his throat or pronounce the word blithely.

Ultimately, however, I believe the wandering monologues are the point of D.T.'s rants. And if by editing them down to their blithering essence I make him appear slightly foolish — well, it's just my way of saying Thank you for playing my songs.

Rearranging the deck chairs

ISGD-PE continues, but stripped of its Demented Datebook and Rants, which comprise the new David Tanny News Podcast (He'll say anything!). Dave has also added Dave's Music Notes, featuring podsafe non-Dementia.

Curiously, D.T. now deletes ISGD-PE shows after two weeks, re-editing them for streaming radio.

"Sorry," Dave writes. "This is to encourage listeners to spend less time downloading the shows and more time doing something else such as visiting the Web sites named within the podcasts."

Dave's the one podcaster who has no interest in preserving his content for devoted listeners or the archaeologists who many centuries from now will surely want to analyze his throat-clearing for clues about the downfall of civilization.

The man clearly has something to say. And when I figure out what that is, I'll let you know.

Dave's rant, in full (6:46).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Hyper Nonsense: Turetzky is full of hate

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:34:55 GMT

Hyper Nonsense: Turetzky is full of hate

Podcast: Hyper Nonsense
Date: October 2, 2008
Title: Snakes and puppies
Download the show: HN 130

You never know what bit of artistic business is going to strike a nerve with the public.

For instance, I become fascinated with one segment of a recent Hyper Nonsense podcast episode, and after many hours of effort, produce a bitingly subversive edit in which hosts Shawno and Jen appear to spout an anti-gay rant (which, judging by Proposition 8 ballot results, places them right in line with their fellow Californians).

The result? My attempt to inspire outrage and/or hilarity falls flat with the show's dull, dull audience, and fails even to draw a mention from the hosts.

And the colored girls go…

Then Shawno requests that I befriend the couple's new MySpace band, the Sidebars, the warbling of whose lead vocalist (Shawno) has already drawn comparison to the flat monotone of the legendary Lou Reed.

The Sidebars have released one song, The Right Way. Always willing to encourage a struggling young band, I listen, and post this thoughtful comment:

"Yes, I do get the Lou Reed comparison. Lou Reed, if he had a really bad drummer."

Explosive reaction

You would have thought I'd called somebody's mother a whore.

"Anytime we do anything, Ken Turetzky has to bring the hate," Shawno complained on the next broadcast. "My electronic drum skills suck. It's a valid criticism. But geez, Ken! I just can't do anything without this guy callin' me out!"

Jen found a more sinister explanation for my innocent remarks:

"Turetzky likes the controversy. I think this is his plot to get everyone to go, 'Well, who is this Ken Turetzky guy?' and go to his page.

"And now of course that we've mentioned his name a few times, he will have some comments, and probably put us on his blog again. If that's his evil little plan, to get everybody to talk about him and make his name heard throughout cyberspace…it's workin'!"

Sidebars rock MySpace

I recommend the new Sidebars tune to Lou Reed fans and all other devotees of early 1970s glam rock. The Right Way actually includes a nice little Shawno guitar riff. And, on further reflection, I really like the drum part now!

"Actually, I find your drummer to be surprisingly original," I posted on the Sidebars' MySpace blog. "I'm tired of those boring drummers who keep the beat all the time. I always know what those drummers are going to do. How dull."

By the way, Shawno, where's that The Ballad Of Morris The Cat cover you were working on some months ago?

I can't wait to review that song!

Turetzky likes the controversy (2:49).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: Wheatley makes the cut

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:42:02 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: September 26, October 3 and October 10, 2008
Title: Show Number 376, Show Number 383, Show Number 400
Download the show: Episode 376, Episode 383, Episode 400

Thanks to you, the listener, and especially to me, the podcast nominator, Dalecast is one of 10 finalists for best Podsafe Music Podcast in The People's Choice Podcast Awards.

Only a few brief weeks ago, this blog encouraged its vast readership to vote for Dalecast during the fourth annual Podcast Awards. More than 281,000 people responded, according to awards sponsors.

Need I offer any further defense of the power of the Turetzky Syndrome brand? If I did, my argument would fall apart, so I'm not going to.

But now the real work begins. Final voting opens Thursday, October 23, and concludes November 6. More than ever, Dalecast needs your support!

Payback

Dalecast host Steve Wheatley played my songs three times during recent shows, including two spins of (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and another of Why Don't You Get A Job — Live at Mayfest.

Thanks to Steve's support, Fly Me To The Moon retains the No. 2 spot on the monthly Podsafe Music Network Comedy chart.

Dalecast has now played my songs 74 times since Feb. 17, 2008. You know I'm going to endorse Dalecast as best Podsafe Music Podcast, if purely out of self-interest.

If not for Steve's sake, then do it for mine. Vote Dalecast!

Episode 400 (1:04).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Big Phil's Love Parade: Purple asses imperil nation

Ken Turetzky — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 20:40:28 GMT

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: September 22 and October 13, 2008
Titles: The Chilling Effect Of A McCain Presidency, Grab The White Robe And Pitchfork, Its Time For A McCain Rally, Yee, Haw!
Download the show: Show 152, Show 155

Big Phil has been taking some hard shots lately at GOP presidential candidate John McCain, in what I view as a noble but naive campaign to avert yet another Republican "victory" during the November "elections."

Sure, I could have knocked on doors and campaigned for Obama, but I'm hip to the game, and felt my time would be better served in enlightening my very, very good friend Phil per the modern realities of our political system.

Dead fucking serious

So, I took one of Phil's impassioned rants — creeping fascism bad, Obama the last hope for democracy, blah, blah, blah — and with a few practiced edits, transformed the host of the Love Parade into a voice made for talk radio, a card-carrying white man who'd be welcome at your neighborhood Palin rally.

I'm sure you'll agree health care's a bullshit issue, just like the minimum wage. See if Phil doesn't sound much more reasonable when he identifies purple asses as one of the major issues facing the country.

"I am all for corporate welfare. Ladies and gentlemen, the scariest thing for me are Democrats," the new, Stepford Phil insists. "If Obama wins the election, I am seriously considering moving, leaving the United States. I am being dead fucking serious!"

I prefer the new Big Phil. He sounds much more reasonable, and much more in line with the future of our country!

Phil also played my song Her Shit Don't Stink.

All in good fun (1:49).

Fiscally conservative (0:33).

turetzkysyndrome.com

ISGD-PE/MMCZ: Dave drives the 405

Ken Turetzky — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 07:33:27 GMT

Podcasts: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition and Mad Music Comedy Zone
Dates: July 27, August 25 and August 30, 2008
Titles: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0005, I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0019 and I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0028, The Top 25 Songs of 2008 Recap!
Download the show: Episode 0019, Episode 0028, Episode SP-01 (Streaming only. Free registration required.)

David Tanny plays my songs on his podcast and various streaming radio programs and that's all great, but lots of other shows play my songs.

What I like instead about David's shows are the vast, seemingly interminable segments (aka D.T. Rants) where he explains the rules for his complicated David's Top 10 ballot, or even better, when Dave introduces a concert review and then spends 10 minutes blithely describing his highway routes to and from the venue.

So, how was your trip?

Just imagine your Dad, if somebody showed him how to record a podcast:

I finally found Bellflower Drive and I drove up the 405…Went to the 405 and it merged to the 5 and got to the 805; I took 52 to 125 and then back home again. Anyway, that was my trip to the Kahnmanapalooza and back. It's time now for Police on the Scene!

Now, Dave may once have understood his own Top 10 voting system, but that was many long highway drives ago.

Putin rears his head

Here he outlines the rules, sounding about as confident as Sarah Palin describing Alaska's foreign policy:

We're going to recap the Top 25 songs of 2008…according to the Dementiamania…charts before…prior to August and then David's Top 10…starting on August. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna combine all the point totals for all the songs that have been on the chart as of the current and as of the past. And we're gonna count 'em down, straight down, from No. 25 through No.…1!

I'm in the Top 25

My songs People I Know and (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon ranked Nos. 18 and 17, respectively, in the MMCZ Top 25.

D.T. also played those songs on two recent episodes of I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition.

Check out David's shows. At the very least, he'll cut 20 minutes off your drive time from San Diego to Long Beach!

ISGD-PE random selections (0:56).

MMCZ Top 25 (0:57).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: Vote Wheatley in 2008!

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:47:59 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: August 9, 14, 17-25, 27, 29, 31, September 2, 4, 5, 14, 16, 18-19, 22, 2008
Title: Show Number 329, Show Number 334, Show Number 337, Show Number 338, Show Number 339, Show Number 340, Show Number 341, Show Number 342, Show Number 343, Show Number 344, Show Number 345, Show Number 346, Show Number 348, Show Number 350, Show Number 352, Show Number 354, Show Number 355, Show Number 364, Show Number 366, Show Number 368, Show Number 369, Show Number 372
Download the show: Episode 329, Episode 334, Episode 337, Episode 338, Episode 339, Episode 340, Episode 346, Episode 348, Episode 350, Episode 352, Episode 354, Episode 355, Episode 364, Episode 366, Episode 368, Episode 369, Episode 372

Steve Wheatley really sells the product in his role as Dalecast deejay. And that's what I like about Steve's show, other than the fact that he plays my songs and bumpers again and again and again.

To summarize Steve's introductions from 22 recent episodes:

"That was of course the great…the unmistakeable…from Texas…impersonating Jerry Lewis…the one and only sound there of Ken Turetzky and Today Was A Very Good Day, If They Found Me Dead, The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, Big Black Barn, Why Don't You Get A Job, I Feel Bad, Fly Me To The Moon, People I Know and My Fat Ass Itches!"

Best Music Podcast

I'll return the favor by recommending that you nominate Dalecast for Best Music Podcast at the fourth annual People's Choice Podcast Awards.

"Nominate me for the Best Music Show!!" Steve writes at his site. "Thanks to all my listeners!! Simply click on the banner above!"

I second that motion. Vote today! Nominations close at 11:59 p.m. Hawaiian Standard Time (whatever that is) September 30.

Meanwhile, Steve's been tracking daily Dalecast download figures, and the numbers have been quite impressive. Through September 22, according to the Dalecast site:

DALECAST HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED
28,628
TIMES SINCE 10 OCTOBER 2007
AND COUNTING!!

Climbing the charts

During the last six weeks, Steve has featured a dozen of my songs, including four plays of (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and three each of Her Shit Don't Stink and The Ballad Of Morris The Cat.

Also on recent shows, Steve played covers of Why Don't You Get A Job and My Fat Ass Itches by UK faves the Volume Brothers.

Thanks to Dalecast, People I Know is third for the month on the Podsafe Music Network Children's Charts, Big Black Barn — Live at Mayfest is No. 2 for the week in Folk Rock and (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon is No. 2 for the month in Comedy.

Rock on, Dalecast! You've got my vote!

That was the sound of Ken Turetzky! (5:39).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Big Phil's Love Parade: Pay no attention to your music player!

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:47:50 GMT

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: August 4, August 11, August 25, 2008
Titles: This Ain't No Party, This Ain't No Disco, No More Yankie My Wankie! The Donger Want Food!,The Music Show #10
Download the show: Show 145, Show 146, Show 148

Did you know that some 6,000 people download the Big Phil's Love Parade podcast each and every month?

These numbers bestow a certain power on a man — the power to build up, or destroy, to change minds, change the course of history, or maybe just change his pants; I don't know.

And so when Phil slashes with his scathing wit, his blade cuts deep and wide. But that blade also cuts two ways….

Playing the game

Oh, yeah, I knew what I was doing when I first sent Phil my music. I wanted to make his audience (6,000 downloads per month, and counting) my audience. I didn't record this crap just to file it away in my music folder, which is the place on my computer where I file all my music.

No, I sent Phil my songs, and he played them. Encouraged, I began auditing the Love Parade (I try to time my downloads so as to be the 6000th listener in any given month; perhaps Phil will notice this and mention my name!), and over the course of several dozen Monday evenings, gradually accepted the grim reality that neither mine nor Phil's lives were ever going to get any better.

I also noticed that Phil displays a certain rough style around the microphone, the kind of mic style a man picks up brawling in bars in factory towns, or maybe those bars out by the harbor, where a man's always looking over his shoulder while he drinks, less he wakes up with a headache in the hold of a British Royal Navy ship two days out to sea.

Mic hunt

Phil to this point has somehow escaped prosecution for his reckless abuse of recording equipment. He routinely bumps his glass of absinthe into the cheap microphone, and listeners have grown used to the sound of his mouse clicking excitedly in the background.

But that's his style, and I guess no man has a right to tell another man how to beat up his microphone or abuse his mouse.

I'm not just any man, though. I'm a man with a better idea about whatever it is that you do, and a compulsion to share my opinion.

So, I sent Phil a bumper, recorded through the butt end of a set of airline headphones, ostensibly promoting the Love Parade but in reality, I will admit, poking fun at Phil's recording technique.

My Man Godfrey

Phil played my bumper, laughed a little bit, and drily suggested listeners "check out [Ken's] tour schedule and all his music. His music has actually been played on the Arthur Godfrey show — that's a very popular show — and the fabulous Dumont Network."

Both Arthur Godfrey and the fabulous Dumont Network, naturally, have been extinct for many decades. You mean, just like Ken's music career? Ouch!

My August gig at Half Price Books in Dallas provided additional fodder. "I believe he has another gig coming up at the Fillmore East…. Oh, also, according to his Web site, it looks like he'll be appearing at Max's Kansas City and CBGB. So if you happen to be in the New York area be sure to catch those gigs as well."

Again, the irony was not lost on me. It's a long way from the book store to the cover of Rolling Stone, isn't it, pal? Think you'll make it before you're as dead as those classic venues? Fat chance!

Don't laugh!

Ah, but remember what I said about that blade, the one that cuts both ways because it's sharp on two different edges? Well, it seems that Phil's offhanded dig at Half Price Books came back to bite him on his rosy, red behind.

That's red as in socialist, and once a little research hipped Phil to HPB's committment to literacy, education and the environment (three of Phil's favorite radical causes), he chastely apologized not just to HPB, but to the Fillmore East, Max's Kansas City and CBGB, for good measure.

To the swelling strains of Pomp and Circumstance, Phil declared, "Ken should be quite happy to have played a gig for such a socially conscious company.

"CBGB, Max's Kansas City, the Fillmore East. Half Price Books? Hey, don't laugh. And don't think that I'm making fun and considering you a failure, Ken, because I'm not! Ken Turetzky, I salute you!"

During those same recent episodes, Phil also played People I Know, (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and an exclusive, live Big Black Barn from the Half Price Books show.

Ken exaggerates…a little! (6:02).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Chickenflaps: Stop flapping; it's not funny

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:34:55 GMT

Podcast: Edinburgh Live: Comedy365
Date: July 25, 2008
Title: Chickenflaps
Download the show: Episode 21

When last we heard from the musical "wing" of the Sowerby & Luff comedy empire, the very Australian Rosie Koonunga-Hill was reciting comedy song credits and enthusiastically repeating the title of her program, Chicken-flayps, chicken-flayps!

OK, I'm picturing a chicken flapping its wings. Is that even funny? Or should I be hungry instead? Perhaps if the show had its own logo — of a chicken flapping its wings — I might be persuaded to laugh.

How about this image of a chicken sitting on some stupid moron's head? That's sort of funny. Seems like you missed an opportunity, Chickenflaps!

But alas, Chickenflaps is only an occasional production of Comedy 365, which exists primarily to further the careers of the lively and inscrutable S&L.

While Rosie's still introducing her old show, she's been replaced as writer and host by Richard Cray, an associate producer with Comedy 365. He pronounced this the "monstrous last episode in the present series of Chickenflaps."

Another feather in my cap

The program featured (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon as well as a few more familiar comedy titles from the Podsafe Music Network.

Interestingly, S&L's Comedy 365 site includes a link to Todd Justice, with whom I once faced the indifferent open-mic crowds at Backdoor Comedy.

Todd, a tall, laconic Texan with Billy Bob Thornton-esque appeal, differed from most of the other acts in that he appeared to be persistent and funny, as opposed to merely persistent and eccentric. It's good to see he's still out there slingin'.

Monstrous: (0:31).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: Beware the British Batman

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 06:03:22 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: July 19, July 30, August 1, 2008
Titles: Show Number 308, Just! Comedy, Show Number 321
Download the show: Episode 308, Just! Comedy, Episode 321

It's Just! Comedy today on Dalecast. Not today, but several days ago, it was a Wednesday, actually, when host Steve Wheatley said, "Today, it's Just! Comedy. I'm tired of all those boring, non-comedy songs I usually play.

"And you know what? I need a laugh," Steve said. "Oh, you non-comedy performers get 364 shows a year when it's all about you. Don't worry, you'll be back tomorrow. Today belongs to the comedy people!"

Steve went on and on like that, arguing with himself, while listeners asked, "Is this supposed to be a music show? Or is this one of those podcasts where the host talks about the new Batman movie for an hour?"

No accent is safe

Now, I still have my old Batman comic books, but they're in an acid-free box in storage and I never look at them because they're supposed to pay for my retirement. What I do now is, I write entertaining comedy songs.

Besides, this new Batman is a British guy, and I don't like it. We're worried about Middle Eastern terrorists penetrating our defenses, and meanwhile, all these British actors have cleverly infiltrated our movies and television series, hiding behind their perfect American accents. I don't know about you, but I'm scared!

Anyway, I like to believe that I had something to do with the Just! Comedy movement on Dalecast. After all, Steve has played my songs hundreds of times over the past six months.

Ninety minutes of me

Frankly, I don't even know why he had to include all of those other comedy artists on this episode. He could have just played my songs and called the show Just! Turetzky. While my recorded oeuvre would not have filled the allotted 34 slots, Steve could have just played (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon 34 times in a row, and I'm sure nobody would have complained.

But Steve did play three of my songs on this episode, and five in all on recent programs, including People I Know, Her Shit Don't Stink, (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, My Fat Ass Itches and Don't Really Matter.

Anyway, I'd think about that Just! Turetzky show, Steve. Heck, I don't care either way. All I know for sure is Batman's a real American, from Gotham City, USA!

Idea: Just! Turetzky! (2:10).

turetzkysyndrome.com

It's my turn, FDM!SOM!

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:52:34 GMT

You know what? A lot of times when I attend the Free Dallas Music! Songwriters' Open Mic at the Half Price Books flagship store, I have to sit there like a lox in the Community Room and watch some other half-baked guitar player perform as the featured act.

All the attention's on that other person, not on me. He (or she) gets the girls. I don't get any girls.

Well, not this show, pardner. This show, I'll be the featured performer at FDM!SOM, from 7-9 p.m. CDT Thursday, August 7, at Half Price Books, 5803 E. Northwest Highway in Dallas. Call (214) 379-8000 for more details.

The other acts (including anyone else who wants to haul out your guitar, mandolin, keyboard, banjo or zither) get to play three lousy songs. I'm going to play, I don't know, maybe five or six songs.

Family show

Co-hosts are accomplished folkies Tom and Jenni Mansfield Peal.

Here's what Jenni wrote about this big, big event:

Get ready for Ken Turetzky's irreverent wit and musical humor! We have enjoyed Ken every time he's appeared at FDM!SOM and are pleased to be able to present his music in an extended set.

I'll be irreverent, all right, but respectful. Not because I want to be, but because the show is in a bookstore, and families visit bookstores, which means…sigh!…no Her Shit Don't Stink.

But it doesn't matter what I play, really. All that matters is that people will be watching me.

Last meow

Nancy Moore in the Dallas Morning News GuideLive writes:

HALF PRICE BOOKS Novelty: Ken Turetzky's songs are the type you'd hear on the Dr. Demento radio show. His song "The Ballad of Morris the Cat" has a Western ghost-town twist with an irreverent plot line about a cat's rise to stardom and its "last meow." Mr. Turetzky will be the featured performer at the twice monthly Songwriter's Open Mic show in the community room at the bookstore, on East Northwest Highway. 7 p.m. Free.

turetzkysyndrome.com

Hyper Nonsense: Shawno, Jen, call for end to gay rule

Ken Turetzky — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:23:05 GMT

Podcast: Hyper Nonsense
Date: July 5, 2008
Title: America Day
Download the show: HN 118

California burned again this summer. But don't blame global warming, drought conditions and an abundance of dry tinder, said Hyper Nonsense co-hosts Shawno and Jen, who live in San Luis Obispo.

Blame the gays.

"This must be Jesus' punishing us," said Shawno, in a stark turnaround from his familiar, left-of-center political opinions. "You sure it's not God sending us a message for letting the gays get married?

I'll get you, gays!

"The gays! I'll get you, gays!" Shawno vowed. "When that finally happens, I'll know we've made some progress in this country."

"Yeah, probably," Jen agreed.

The podcast hosts, who are married to each other, went on to attack what they apparently see as a lesbian plot to impregnate themselves through sperm donors and populate the earth with "crazy bullshit armies."

"You know, you can only have sex for procreation and all of that kinda stuff," Shawno declared, with Jen insisting, "This is the majority of the United States' view!"

Shawno's diatribe grew in intensity.

"Lesbians can go borrow some sperm…."

"And that's what they want!" Jen chimed in.

Jen knows something

"These nutjobs can go out and have 20 kids. They can just keep building their crazy bullshit armies," Shawno continued.

"So why the hell are they getting so much say?" a frustrated Jen asked.

Finally, Shawno sighed. "Shit, we're never getting rid of these guys," he said, appearing to give up the fight.

But Jen picked up the banner, and with a chilling laugh, appeared to suggest knowledge of a plan to turn the tide against the crazy bullshit armies of married lesbian sperm recipients.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Jen cried. "Wrong!"

Chasing Keith and The Girl

So why this sudden reactionary outburst from the Hyper Nonsense duo?

Favorably compared in the past to old-line radio hosts Bob and Betty Sanders, could Shawno and Jen be struggling for traction against edgier male-female podcast teams such as Keith and The Girl and Dawn and Drew?

Audiences are shocked, shocked!

More Morris

I'm not a lesbian, so I don't really care. As far as I'm concerned, Hyper Nonsense redeemed itself with a fourth play (since its debut on HN 024 in August 2006), of my song The Ballad Of Morris The Cat.

And by the way, this entire post is satire. Sure, Shawno and Jen said all that stuff, but I cleverly edited their program in order to make them look like radical anti-gay California nutjobs.

But nobody ever reads this far into any of my blog posts, so I'm not worried about getting busted.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

We're gonna kill some terrorists, bitch! (1:23).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Comedy Music Cellar: Rev. Zack, podcast 'lonatic'

Ken Turetzky — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 23:49:17 GMT

Podcast: Comedy Music Cellar
Date: June 14, 2008
Title: CMC 23
Download the show: Episode 23 (Select download link)

On this episode of the Comedy Music Cellar, host Rev. Zack delivers an odd reading of his tagline, which comes out "Don't forget to open up your heart and let the lonacy in!"

Now, lunacy is a lonely business, I suppose, and the burden must weigh heavily on Rev. Zack. But who has time to analyze podcaster psychology?

The Rev. breaks another band

Nevertheless, our host holds the demons at bay as he maintains his alert for obscure comedy tunes. Here he introduces You Don't Give Me Hummers Any More by the Jukebox Sinners, a rockabilly outfit out of upstate New York with an affinity for unloved automobiles.

The Sinners are unknown for un-hits Roomful of MILFs, Hotrod Gremlin and Maverick. And you filk nerds might want to check out the Sinners' Galaxy Con. It's all about how silly you look in your funny sci-fi costumes!

This episode also features my very own (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, still rockin' those Podsafe Music Network Comedy charts.

Until next time, hang in there, Rev. Zack. Let the lunacy in, but don't let the lonacy win!

Let the lonacy in: (0:43).

turetzkysyndrome.com

I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition: It's easy as M-P-3

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:12:21 GMT

Podcast: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition
Dates: June 8, June 9 and June 22, 2008
Titles: I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0005, I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0006 and I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition #0009
Download the show: Episode 0005, Episode 0006 and Episode 0009 (Select mp3 button)

When Mad Music Archive founder Captain Wayne abandoned early, uncertain efforts at podcasting and fled to streaming radio (gotta have that Weird Al!), he took a bunch of Demented music hosts with him, including David Tanny.

DT's Mad Music Comedy Zone continues to stream on MMA, and on his revived Live365 channel, DFSXRadio.com. He's added some old and new programming as well, although listener counts in the low dozens (on Live365) would make the project seem hardly worth the expense. But then, Dave's always seemed like the kind of guy who enjoys talking to himself.

Dave also maintains a massive maze of a site at DFSX Radio that claims more than 3.5 million visitors since its inception in September 1995. He sometimes generously mentions me in his San Diego Radio News Blog (note to DT: Ever heard of WordPress?), which motivated visitors may find buried amongst old comedy show playlists, vintage television trivia and assorted refuse.

His site reminds me of my basement — stashed full of stuff I don't need but can't bring myself to throw away.

Download this song!

Still, if DT hasn't discovered Zen Garden, the light's at least begun to dawn regarding the benefits of modern podcasting.

Podcasting is the far more convenient medium for host and audience alike. Collect some podsafe (royalty free) music, record your show and post an mp3 for listeners to download. It's just that simple.

Dave hasn't provided download numbers for his I Still Get Demented Podcast Edition, but judging from the numbers shown by Tyrone Kahn's Kahn Man's Comedy Corner, I can guess he's been far better served by his podcast audience than his streaming radio listeners.

Tyrone's program originated on DFSX Radio, where, Tyrone told me, it would draw some 20 or so listeners per show. In contrast, the Kahn Man's podcast has averaged 228 downloads per episode since its debut in September 2007.

Gone to pieces

Meanwhile, over on the Mad Music Archive, Captain Wayne just introduced a downloadable, podsafe version of his Mad Music Show.

But as far as I know, the new show is available only on the MMA and iTunes and isn't listed with the leading podcast directories.

Further, it's broken into two pieces, complicating the download process. You're missing the point, guys!

Play me

Fortunately for me, though, DT plays my music just about everywhere he's got a show, including ISGD-PE, which recently featured Today Was A Very Good Day, Why Don't You Get A Job - Live at Mayfest and I'll Get Old And Die.

Wanna hear more? Please request my songs for ISGD-PE.

And if you've got the patience to deal with streaming radio, catch Dave on DFSX Radio, too!

Triple shot of DT Dementia: (1:42).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Bofore Radio: Why is your song such a slut?

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 07:18:05 GMT

Podcast: Bofore Radio
Dates: April 4 and May 30, 2008
Titles: Old People, Beer In The Morning and Nothing But Animals
Download the show: (Select mp3 button) Episode 13, Episode 18 and Episode 24

Tyrone Kahn was quite alarmed once he heard the intro to one of the newer Demented comedy music podcasts, Bofore Radio.

"He's using the same theme music I use for Kahn Man's Comedy Corner!" Tyrone complained about BR host and recording artist Odd Austin Aeschliman.

Foolishly, I waded into the subject. "Well, where did you hear the song?" I asked Tyrone.

"I heard it on Manic Mondays!" Tyrone exclaimed without a hint of irony. "It's the theme song for their News of the Stupid segment!"

One theme, three podcasts

The bouncy theme music shared by three comedy podcasts is the instrumental Eskimo Pie Is Not A Pie And Contains Very Little Eskimo by Dr. Demento fave Worm Quartet.

"Hey man! I was just thinking about you — primarily because I just ripped my The Best Of The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour, Volume 1 CD and you're totally flippin' on it," wrote Worm Quartet founder ShoEboX in response to my investigative query. "My song is a slut because there are only about three comedy artists who have ever put an instrumental on a CD, and Weird Al's Fun Zone has already been overused to death."

Everything's cool, though. ShoEboX gave Tyrone official, first-class, A-1 permission to use his song, and a fast-thinking Odd Austin Aeschliman told Tyrone he also used the song because Tyrone's his podcasting hero and Odd Austin wanted to be just like his hero Tyrone.

Here's the part about me

Bofore Radio featured three of my songs, I'll Get Old And Die, Her Shit Don't Stink and The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, on recent shows.

Odd Austin sometimes literally phones in his show, recording his dry, smartass commentary via podcast host Gcast's telephone feature. He affects a fake pirate voice (portraying the fictional character known as "Goose," who ostensibly co-hosts the show with another character named "Goblin") but otherwise performs his duties in a satisfactory manner.

My name often provides pause for podcasters who struggle with the pronunciation of Turetzky. "That's hard to say," Odd Austin noted. And oddly, he censored himself when pronouncing the title of Her Shit Don't Stink, but didn't censor the actual song.

And that's the end of that story!

Her sssss don't stink: (2:01).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: A little hinnie turns one year old

Ken Turetzky — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:51:56 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: May 31-June 5, June 7, June 15, June 23-27, July 6, July 11, July 14 and July 16, 2008
Title: Show Number 260, Show Number 261, Show Number 262, Show Number 263, Show Number 264, Show Number 265, Show Number 267, Show Number 275, Show Number 283, Show Number 284, Show Number 285, Show Number 286, Show Number 287, Show Number 296, Show Number 300, Show Number 303, Show Number 305
Download the show: Episode 260, Episode 261, Episode 262, Episode 263, Episode 264, Episode 265, Episode 267, Episode 275, Episode 283, Episode 284, Episode 285, Episode 286, Episode 287, Episode 296, Episode 300, Episode 303, Episode 305

Dalecast, the proud little working-class podcast from Frosterley in Weardale, U.K., that promoted (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon to the masses and also played a bunch of other stupid songs, has turned one year old.

Gravel-voiced host Steve Wheatley produced a special, 300th episode on Friday, July 11, and two days later marked his podcast anniversary. As always, he closed his show with his trademark call for world peace, "Tattie bye for now, hinnies!"

During that first year, Steve played some 6,000 songs, perhaps more than any other podcaster. I've been a particular beneficiary, with 43 total plays (17 alone for my Jerry Lewis numbah) through July 16.

Largely thanks to Dalecast, Fly Me To The Moon is again No. 1 on the Podsafe Music Network Comedy chart for the current week.

On recent shows, Dalecast also featured my songs I Feel Bad, Big Black Barn, People I Know and Why Don't You Get A Job (all live at Mayfest), along with Don't Really Matter and Her Shit Don't Stink.

Bumper pool

So how do we, the recording artists, show our appreciation to the program hosts who play our music? Well, normally, we ignore them.

But we sometimes give back to the community by recording bumpers, or brief promotional spots, for the shows that support us. The way we see it, if a modest podcaster can enjoy a little bump through association with our valuable names, we're glad to oblige.

To help Steve out, I shipped a batch of bumpers — featured in the audio clips below and the Podcast Roundup music player — that he quickly placed into service as intros to my songs.

Fan mail

The selection includes one notable, 17-second spot of various Jerry Lewis-inspired gasps and grunts, and another that knocked the socks off Nancy Moran, who wrote Steve:

Thank you so much for playing Perfect World on Dalecast #287. I really appreciate the support.

If I can ever return the favor by recording a promo for you, please let me know…although I have to tell you that I don't know how I'd ever top Ken Turetsky's "If I don't make it…it's because I suck."

That was brilliant! :-)

Of course it was, Nancy. That's why I play music and record funny little bumpers for our friend, Steve — so other people will tell me I'm brilliant. Without the adulation, I'm sure you'll agree, everything else is meaningless.

Which is why I'm wishing you, Steve, congratulations on your 300th show. Happy Dalecast Anniversary, and may you continue for another 300 years. Even though that's physically impossible, because we'll all be dead for a really long time by then!

The one and only Mr. Steve Wheatley: (8:05).

Tattie bye for now, hinnies!: (2:19).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Ham Bone Express smokes Mayfest field

Ken Turetzky — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:03:35 GMT

I think what happened was, the organizers of Mayfest 2008 needed a headliner for the Zone Stage, the one between the the bouncy castle and the Dodge Ball Dome, downwind from the Ham Bone Express.

Just about that time, my CD came in. You know my CD, Look What I Made!, the one with the picture on the cover of the little girl holding the fake poop?

Gotta be kids' music, right? There's a 3-year-old on the cover of the album! Never mind the track titles on the back, My Fat Ass Itches and Her Shit Don't Stink. We have our show!

I couldn't have asked for a better setup. The other adult performers, the ones playing closer to the beer tents, had to work big stages, high above the audience, projecting their voices through massive sound systems.

Me, I got a concrete slab under an awning, facing a three-foot-high row of green bleachers — just the spot for Mom and her tired toddlers to take a load off and snack on some Fried What!

A bellyful of entertainment

To their credit, a couple of well-honed acts set the stage nicely for me.

Lee Fortune, my recording engineer for the evening, stoked himself with corn dogs and beer and offered cogent observations about the prodigiously endowed Anahata Bellydance Company, whose members jiggled expertly but failed to draw reaction from an impressive but exhausted group of parents and pre-schoolers.

"They're belly dancers, all right. Look at the belly on that one!" Lee said. "I can't even see her belly button. When are you going on? I've got six tickets left and I need another beer."

I can say little about the follow-up, ShaBling, other than they're an ambitious rap act comprised of sneering 7-year-olds, and they cleared the place out.

But really, I'm OK with that, because I'm only really at home on stage when I can address all the audience members by name. When I shout, "One, two, three, four," I'm not just starting off a song, I'm counting the house.

Who booked this guy?

Off-key and out of tune, I launched into my sanitized, county fair-friendly set, hoping only that my voice would drift out among the stragglers on the Riverbank or inside the AT&T tent or at the Art & Market and entice them my way.

A few wandered by but were quickly distracted by the bright lights and excitement of the nearby pig races. "Come back! I'm not finished entertaining you yet!" I cried woefully as they hustled away.

That's the story of Mayfest 2008. You people who believe show business is all about girls and drugs and tattoos and other cool things, you don't live in my world.

All that stuff, see, that's for the superstars of entertainment. Guys like the Ham Bone Express. What a bunch of pigs, those guys.

Hear me live

Please listen to some selections from my Live at Mayfest show, including the original blues tracks Why Don't You Get A Job and I Feel Bad, folk rocker Big Black Barn and People I Know.

You can also catch the first three songs on Episode 259, Episode 260 and Episode 261, respectively, of the popular Dalecast podcast.

Mayfest 2008 photos by Danny Bollinger

I'm not finished entertaining you yet! (0:13).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Dalecast: Unstoppable

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 30 May 2008 20:14:58 GMT

Podcast: Dalecast
Dates: May 24-30, 2008
Title: Show Number 253, Show Number 254, Show Number 255, Show Number 256, Show Number 257, Show Number 258, Show Number 259
Download the show: Episode 253, Episode 254, Episode 255, Episode 256, Episode 257, Episode 258, Episode 259

I've been on a fantastic run with Dalecast, where host Steve Wheatley has featured a different Ken Turetzky track for each of the past seven shows.

In fact, I even broke out of the Dalecast comedy ghetto on the latest episode with a spin of my blues track, Why Don't You Get A Job (Live at Mayfest), extracted from my recent performance in Fort Worth.

In order, Steve also generously featured (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, My Fat Ass Itches, Her Shit Don't Stink, the rarely heard Today Was A Very Good Day, I'll Get Old And Die and The Ballad Of Morris The Cat.

Naturally, all of that exposure lifts my profile, with Her Shit Don't Stink sitting at No. 1 on the weekly Podsafe Music Network Comedy chart.

"4 tracks in the charts today, huh?" writes Steve. "Send me that 20 quid now!!! (40 dollars to you!!). But I'll settle for a jingle/bumper."

As you know, Steve, I'm fresh out of quid — damn those oil prices! — but the bumpers are on their way.

Seven in a row: (3:24).

turetzkysyndrome.com