http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/turetzkysyndrome.xml Ken Turetzky: Adventures in the comedy music biz. en-us http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/ts_logo_feed.gif http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com 79 125 2009 Ken Turetzky Ken Turetzky Ken Turetzky Sat, 06 Oct 2007 01:03:51 GMT FeedEdit http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/30/whooo-kahn-man-drops-season-5-finale/ <p>Seems like its only been a century since Tyrone Kahn took up podcasting, but he's actually concluded two seasons of the Kahn Man's Comedy Corner.</p> <p>As the Season 5 (including three seasons streaming on the <a href="http://www.live365.com/index.live" title="Live365 Internet Radio" />Live365</a> network) Finale drops on <a href="http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=259664741" title="Kahn Man's Comedy Corner podcast on iTunes" />iTunes</a>, the excitable <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/kmcc_05-20_whoo.mp3">Kahn Man</a> is already planning new business for his return in September.</p> <img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/kahn_smith_320.jpg" width="320" height="233" border="1" alt="Tyrone Kahn interviews Raymond and Scum's Jeff Smith" /> <p>For one thing, the Season 6 opener will introduce Tyrone's latest single. Can't tell you the title, but think Beatles parody, following his 2008 mega-hit <a href="http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=30856" title="Tyrone Kahn: Let Me Pee" />Let Me Pee</a>.</p> <p>Also watch for an exclusive interview with voice artist <a href="http://www.wallyontheweb.com/" title="Wally Wingert" />Wally Wingert</a>, known for his appearances on the <a href="http://www.wallyontheweb.com/family_guy.htm" title="Wally Wingert on Family Guy" />Family Guy</a> animated series.</p> <p><strong>10,000 downloads</strong></p> <img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/dementia_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Demented music" /> <p>Tyrone played several of my songs this season, including <a href="http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=30714" title="People I Know on the Mad Music Archive" />People I Know</a> on the Season 5 Finale.</p> <p>His show's a hit! Following its debut in September 2007, the KMCC podcast has recorded more than <em>10,000 downloads</em> (covering its first 39 episodes). Not bad for a comedy music show host who counted his weekly streaming radio listeners on both hands and feet, with his eyes and ears thrown in.</p> <p>Don't ask me why Tyrone counts that way. He just does. Now that he has a podcast, Tyrone can hardly count all his listeners. I have to help him!</p> <p>Along with iTunes, listeners can find KMCC on <a href="<a href="http://www.garageband.com/user/kahnman/podcast/main" title="Kahn Man's Comedy Corner podcast" />Gcast</a> or subscribe to the show's <a href="http://feeds2.feedburner.com/KahnmansComedyCorner" title="Kahn Man's Comedy Corner FeedBurner feed" />FeedBurner feed</a>.</p> <p>See you in September, everybody. And as the Kahn Man says, "Keep laughing!"</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/kmcc_05-20_pik-swbm.mp3" rel="mp3">We made it to Episode 20! Whooo!</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(0:44).</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/30/whooo-kahn-man-drops-season-5-finale/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Tue, 30 Jun 2009 23:28:19 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/29/rosie-koonunga-hill-exposed/ <p><span style="font-weight:bold">Podcast:</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;color:red">Comedy365</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Date:</span> February 17, 2009<br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Title:</span> Chickenflaps, Episode 28</p> <img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/comedy365_75.gif" width="75" height="75" border=1 alt="Comedy 365 podcast" /> <p>The veil has come off, and we now know that Rosie Koonunga-Hill, the voice behind the curious <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/chickenflaps.mp3">Chickenflaps</a> intro, is none other than the female half of the unknown U.K. comedy team Sowerby and Luff, Georgina Sowerby.</p> <p>"Originally hosted by Georgina Sowerby’s foul-mouthed Aussie alter-ego Rosie Koonunga-Hill, Chickenflaps is now produced and presented by Richard Cray. The show features the very best comedy songs from around the Internet&#8230;," reads the <a href="http://www.fit2fill.com/comedy365/chickenflaps.html" title="Chickenflaps on Comedy 365"" />Chickenflaps</a> page on the re-designed and now nearly impenetrable <a href="http://www.fit2fill.com/comedy365/home.html" title="Comedy 365" />Comedy 365</a> site.</p> <p>Still don't know why the show's called <em>Chickenflaps</em>; still don't care.</p> <img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/podcast_roundup_90.gif" width="90" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Podcast Roundup" /> <p>However, I'm generally pleased to report my third appearance on Chickenflaps (See <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2007/10/25/comedy-365-we-ask-the-tough-questions/" title="Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions" />Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions</a> and <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2008/08/25/chickenflaps-stop-flapping-its-not-funny/" title="Stop flapping; it’s not funny" />Stop flapping; it’s not funny</a>), the second with Richard Cray as host.</p> <p><strong>Those funny, funny Brits</strong></p> <p>From its mysterious title to its colloquial jokes and references to obscure <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mills_&_Boon" title="Mills & Boon on Wikipedia" />publishers of romance novels</a>, Chickenflaps is a font of idiomatic entertainment.</p> <p>Here's this episode's description, which I filed away before Comedy 365 wiped much of Chickenflaps' history off the Google map:</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">A special Valentine's edition of Chickenflaps with Richard Cray. Mind you, that's "special" in the most euphemistic sense of the word. Featuring songs from Robert Lund, Carla Ulbrich, <strong>Ken Turetzsky</strong> [sic], Bob Ricci, Tom Smith, and Paul & Storm. Mills & Boon it certainly ain't.</p> <p>Cray works from a script &nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;and most importantly, pronouncing my name correctly, even if the producers misspelled it&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;and the show's overall sound is professional, if not spontaneous.</p> <p>"Love is in the air," he says. "Not in a fluffy Valentine's way. More in an obsessional and murderous Jerry Springer girlfriend-you're-a-werewolf or some other kind of fictional creature way. None of your gushy American Idol star ballads on this show, folks, no!"</p> <p>The menacing playlist includes my song, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvC3e-wE8ds" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: True Love, Live at Bill's Records" />True Love (Live at Bill's Records)</a>.</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/chickenflaps28-truelove.mp3" rel="mp3">Fluffy valentine</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(1:03).</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/29/rosie-koonunga-hill-exposed/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:16:44 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/27/rip-poddycast/ <p><span style="font-weight:bold">Podcast:</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;color:red">Poddycast</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Date:</span> November 20, 2008<br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Title:</span> Episode 4</a></p> <img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/poddycast_75.jpg" width="75" height="75" border=1 alt="Poddycast" /> <p>If only I'd gotten there sooner. I could have written a little something, promoted Marc's show a bit, and perhaps <a href="http://www.myspace.com/poddycast" title="Poddycast on MySpace" />Poddycast</a> would still be with us.</p> <p>But the U.K.-based podcast ceased production in January after 21 episodes, and its old domain returned to the soil, yielding only a <a href="http://www.poddycast.co.uk" title="Former domain of Poddycast" />404 error</a>.</p> <img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/podcast_roundup_90.gif" width="90" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Podcast Roundup" /> <p>Marc (I never got a last name) founded his show with the help of <a href="http://www.dalecast.co.uk/" title="Dalecast podcast" />Dalecast</a> host Steve Wheatley. From the beginning, however, Poddycast was beset with technical problems.</p> <p>Although the show featured a strong intro and decent production, Marc's nearly inaudible segues created a jolting contrast. Emphatic delivery aside, he sounded as if he were calling in his part from a submarine. And perhaps he was.</p> <p><strong>No accounting for taste</strong></p> <p>For the sake of history, please enjoy this brief segment from Episode 4, featuring my song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBRMfhhX-NI" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: Her Shit Don't Stink, Live at Bill's Records" />Her Shit Don't Stink, Live at Bill's Records</a>.</p> <p>Betraying his bad taste, Marc also played <a href="http://gigootz.com/honeycomb.php?hexID=a328&art=BenTwisted" title="Ben Twisted on Gigootz" />Ben Twisted</a>'s odorous alt-rock <em>Vasectomy</em> song.</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/poddycast_05-bills_hsds.mp3" rel="mp3">That's all, folks!</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(0:55).</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/27/rip-poddycast/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Sun, 28 Jun 2009 06:06:37 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/23/google-names-me-tops-in-commedy-music/ <p>I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/news_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome News" />SEO, sometimes called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_engine_optimization" title="Wikipedia: SEO" />Search Engine Optimization</a>, is a magical tool that uses words to trick Google into thinking your Web site is important. As a result, thousands of people visit your site and you get <a href="http://www.seobook.com/free-account/" title="$300 worth of SEO tools you will have in 1 minute - for FREE - Douchebag" />spectacularly rich</a>.</p> <p>It's just that simple.</p> <p>Now, regular people like me lack the skills to exploit SEO to best advantage. We must consult <a href="http://www.dailyseoblog.com/2009/01/25-seo-gurus-you-should-follow-on-twitter/" title="Daily SEO Blog: 25 SEO Gurus you should follow on Twitter" />Twitter</a> to find SEO specialists, or, as <a href="http://www.hypernonsense.com" title="Hyper Nonsense podcast" />Hyper Nonsense</a> co-host Shawno Gordo calls them, <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/hn155_seodoucehbags.mp3" title="Shawno: SEO social marketing expert genius weasel douchebags" />SEO social marketing expert genius douchebags.</a></p> <p><strong>Bad spellers welcome</strong></p> <p>Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;especially among people who can't spell.</p> <p>For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), <em>turetzkysyndrome.com</em> is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase <a href="http://search.aol.com/aol/search?s_it=comsearch40&query=Commedy%20music&do=Search" title="AOL Search: Commedy music" />Commedy music</a>.</p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/aolcommedy_425.gif" width="425" height="229" border=1 alt="AOL Search: Commedy" /></p> <p>Alas, spell "comedy" correctly and my site drops to <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1B2GGGL_en___US202&q=%22comedy+music%22&btnG=Search&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Search: comedy music" />No. 6</a>. Still lands me on Page One, though!</p> <p>Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I'm No. 1 on Google for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=comedy%20music%20podcast" title="Google Search: comedy music podcast" />comedy music podcast</a> and No. 2 for <a href="http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=how%20to%20write%20a%20comedy%20song&meta=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google: how to write a comedy song" />how to write a comedy song</a> and <a href="http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GGLL_enUS315US315&q=morris%20the%20cat%209%20lives%20song%20lyrics" title="Google Search: morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics" />morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics</a>.</p> <p>The term <a href="http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=navclient&gfns=1&q=shit%20dont%20stink%20song" title="Google Search: shit dont stink song" />shit dont stink song</a> delivers a 1-2 punch, and I'm No. 1 for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=big%20purple%20asses&hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&btnG=Search" title="Google Search: big purple asses" />big purple asses</a>, No. 2 for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=jXY&q=cheesy%20porn%20music&btnG=Search" title="Google Search: cheesy porn music" />cheesy porn music</a> and No. 5 for <a href="http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=fat%20ass%20from%20howard%20stern&meta=" title="Google Search: fat ass from howard stern" />fat ass from howard stern</a>.</p> <p>I'm also tops for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&hs=IbX&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=Texaco%20Lunchbox,%20Dallas%20Band&spell=1" title="Google Search: Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band" />Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band</a>, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/11/29/brandon-higgins-has-been-kicked-in-the-nuts/" title="Brandon Higgins has been kicked in the nuts" />Brandon Higgins</a>. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.</p> <p><strong>Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass</strong></p> <p>My blog is an international phenomenon as well, placing first among stutterers on Google UK for <a href="http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-GB%3Aofficial&hs=Vvg&q=I%2C%20I%2C%20I%2C%20got%20a%20hole%20in%20my%20head%20and%20I%20don%27t%20know%20what%20to%20do%20with%20it&btnG=Search&meta=" title="Google UK Search: I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it" />I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it</a>. Google Japan lists me second for <a href="http://www.google.co.jp/search?hl=ja&q=I%E2%80%99VE%20GOT%20A%20HOLE%20IN%20MY%20HEAD&btnG=Google%20%E6%A4%9C%E7%B4%A2&lr=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Japan Search: I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD" />I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD</a>, referencing my popular song of the same name.</p> <p>Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I'm presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.</p> <p>Popular search terms include, from Alexandria, Al Iskandariyah, Egypt, <a href="http://www.google.com.eg/search?hl=ar&q=Fill%20My%20Fat%20Ass&btnG=%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%AB%20Google%E2%80%8F&meta=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Egypt Search: Fill My Fat Ass" />Fill My Fat Ass</a>; from Ar Riyad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, <em>fat hairy ass</em>; and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, <em>big fat ass woman</em>.</p> <p>Who would have known? I write one song called <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/my-fat-ass-itches/" title="My Fat Ass Itches lyrics and band info" />My Fat Ass Itches</a> and the world comes calling.</p> <p>On reflection, I don't need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for <em>big fat ass?</em> I'm your douchebag!</p> <h2>Google sez I'm tops in <em>Commedy</em> music!</h2> <p>I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/news_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome News" />SEO, sometimes called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_engine_optimization" title="Wikipedia: SEO" />Search Engine Optimization</a>, is a magical tool that uses words to trick Google into thinking your Web site is important. As a result, thousands of people visit your site and you get <a href="http://www.seobook.com/free-account/" title="$300 worth of SEO tools you will have in 1 minute - for FREE - Douchebag" />spectacularly rich</a>.</p> <p>It's just that simple.</p> <p>Now, regular people like me lack the skills to exploit SEO to best advantage. We must consult <a href="http://www.dailyseoblog.com/2009/01/25-seo-gurus-you-should-follow-on-twitter/" title="Daily SEO Blog: 25 SEO Gurus you should follow on Twitter" />Twitter</a> to find SEO specialists, or, as <a href="http://www.hypernonsense.com" title="Hyper Nonsense podcast" />Hyper Nonsense</a> co-host Shawno Gordo calls them, <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/hn155_seodoucehbags.mp3" title="Shawno: SEO social marketing expert genius weasel douchebags" />SEO social marketing expert genius douchebags.</a></p> <p><strong>Bad spellers welcome</strong></p> <p>Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;especially among people who can't spell.</p> <p>For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), <em>turetzkysyndrome.com</em> is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase <a href="http://search.aol.com/aol/search?s_it=comsearch40&query=Commedy%20music&do=Search" title="AOL Search: Commedy music" />Commedy music</a>.</p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/aolcommedy_425.gif" width="425" height="229" border=1 alt="AOL Search: Commedy" /></p> <p>Alas, spell "comedy" correctly and my site drops to <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1B2GGGL_en___US202&q=%22comedy+music%22&btnG=Search&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Search: comedy music" />No. 6</a>. Still lands me on Page One, though!</p> <p>Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I'm No. 1 on Google for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=comedy%20music%20podcast" title="Google Search: comedy music podcast" />comedy music podcast</a> and No. 2 for <a href="http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=how%20to%20write%20a%20comedy%20song&meta=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google: how to write a comedy song" />how to write a comedy song</a> and <a href="http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GGLL_enUS315US315&q=morris%20the%20cat%209%20lives%20song%20lyrics" title="Google Search: morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics" />morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics</a>.</p> <p>The term <a href="http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=navclient&gfns=1&q=shit%20dont%20stink%20song" title="Google Search: shit dont stink song" />shit dont stink song</a> delivers a 1-2 punch, and I'm No. 1 for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=big%20purple%20asses&hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&btnG=Search" title="Google Search: big purple asses" />big purple asses</a>, No. 2 for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=jXY&q=cheesy%20porn%20music&btnG=Search" title="Google Search: cheesy porn music" />cheesy porn music</a> and No. 5 for <a href="http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=fat%20ass%20from%20howard%20stern&meta=" title="Google Search: fat ass from howard stern" />fat ass from howard stern</a>.</p> <p>I'm also tops for <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&hs=IbX&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=Texaco%20Lunchbox,%20Dallas%20Band&spell=1" title="Google Search: Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band" />Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band</a>, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/11/29/brandon-higgins-has-been-kicked-in-the-nuts/" title="Brandon Higgins has been kicked in the nuts" />Brandon Higgins</a>. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.</p> <p><strong>Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass</strong></p> <p>My blog is an international phenomenon as well, placing first among stutterers on Google UK for <a href="http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-GB%3Aofficial&hs=Vvg&q=I%2C%20I%2C%20I%2C%20got%20a%20hole%20in%20my%20head%20and%20I%20don%27t%20know%20what%20to%20do%20with%20it&btnG=Search&meta=" title="Google UK Search: I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it" />I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it</a>. Google Japan lists me second for <a href="http://www.google.co.jp/search?hl=ja&q=I%E2%80%99VE%20GOT%20A%20HOLE%20IN%20MY%20HEAD&btnG=Google%20%E6%A4%9C%E7%B4%A2&lr=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Japan Search: I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD" />I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD</a>, referencing my popular song of the same name.</p> <p>Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I'm presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.</p> <p>Popular search terms include, from Alexandria, Al Iskandariyah, Egypt, <a href="http://www.google.com.eg/search?hl=ar&q=Fill%20My%20Fat%20Ass&btnG=%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%AB%20Google%E2%80%8F&meta=&aq=f&oq=" title="Google Egypt Search: Fill My Fat Ass" />Fill My Fat Ass</a>; from Ar Riyad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, <em>fat hairy ass</em>; and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, <em>big fat ass woman</em>.</p> <p>Who would have known? I write one song called <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/my-fat-ass-itches/" title="My Fat Ass Itches lyrics and band info" />My Fat Ass Itches</a> and the world comes calling.</p> <p>On reflection, I don't need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for <em>big fat ass?</em> I'm your douchebag!</p> <p><a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/06/23/google-names-me-tops-in-commedy-music/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a></p> Ken Turetzky Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:07:15 GMT http://bit.ly/14TZDS <p>"Don't worry about this cough. Jews don't get the Swine Flu. We get the <em>Whine Flu!</em></p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/gigs_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Gigs" />"Oh, my, Gawd, is this guy back again? He's hooorrrible!" I mock-kvetched to the sparse <a href="http://billsrecords.com/" title="Bills Records" />Bill's Records</a> audience during my Memorial Day weekend set.</p> <p>To compound the misery, Bill's booker Becky Hyden has posted a pair of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/bhyden1" title="Becky Hyden channel on YouTube" />YouTube videos</a>, where you can see me failing miserably in front of nobody.</p> <p>Believe me, it's better that way.</p> <p>Becky added some fancy video edits with the help of <em>Windows Moviemaker</em>, though! Titles, cuts, transitions, the whole thing.</p> <p>Against my better judgment, here's the evidence:</p> <p><strong>Why Don't You Get A Job</strong></p> <p><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/74GXropJkA4&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/74GXropJkA4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p> <p><strong>Let Love In</strong></p> <p><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xothZX5UDQQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xothZX5UDQQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p> <a href="http://bit.ly/14TZDS">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Sat, 30 May 2009 05:58:46 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/29/me-and-bill-make-the-society-page/ <p>I had just begun bombing during my Saturday set at <a href="http://billsrecords.com/" title="Bills Records" />Bill's Records</a> when Bill Wisener came sprinting back from his post at the front door, waving the Society page of <a href="http://www.peoplenewspapers.com/ME2/Audiences/dirmod.asp?sid=&nm=&type=Publishing&mod=Publications%3A%3AArticle&mid=8F3A7027421841978F18BE895F87F791&AudID=F8FE2234107E4A88B820886953F77B32&tier=4&id=7CC9EBB3C23C4254B5A5192EF81C4FC6" title="Park Cities People: Despite Industry’s Ills, Music Merchant Plays on" />Park Cities People</a>.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/news_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome News" />"We made the paper! That's me and you!" Bill exclaimed. In Chris McGathey's candid photo from the April 24 edition, I appear to be holding up a happy but exhausted Bill, late on the second day of his 65th birthday celebration.</p> <p>The bittersweet feature by Society Editor Georgia Fisher could be describing her own business as well. "Despite Industry's Ills, Music Merchant Plays on. Bill's Records owner not quite ready to throw in towel," reads the headline.</p> <p>To help keep Bill in the game and fill out your collection with a rare LP, CD or piece of music memorabilia, visit <a href="http://stores.shop.ebay.com/Bills-Records__W0QQ_armrsZ1" title="Bills Records on eBay" />Bill's on eBay</a>.</p> <p>And if you've got an extra quarter, drop it in the box and buy a newspaper. Get 'em while they last!</p> <p>See <em>peoplenewspapers.com</em> for more Bill's <a href="http://peoplenewspapers.mycapture.com/mycapture/enlarge.asp?image=23282004&event=737131&CategoryID=38680 " title="Chris McGathey photos: Bill Wisener's 65th birthday party" />birthday photos</a>.</p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/strip_425.jpg" width="425" height="128" border="1" alt="Society: Bill's Records" /></p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/peoplenews_425.jpg" width="425" height="603" border="1" alt="Bill's Records owner not quite ready to throw in towel" /></p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/29/me-and-bill-make-the-society-page/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Fri, 29 May 2009 21:58:24 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/26/bleeding-art-steve-van-gelder-is-joefool/ <p>Steve van Gelder is more than just a double for <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/22/AR2009052200103.html" title="Comedian Schimmel won't face assault charges in LA" />newsworthy comedian</a> and <em>Howard Stern Show</em> favorite Robert Schimmel.</p> <img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/svg_schimmel_375.jpg" width="375" height="185" border="1" alt="Steve van Gelder and Bob Schimmel" /> <p style="text-align:center;font-weight:bold;">Separated at birth: Steve van Gelder (l) and Bob Schimmel</p> <p>In fact, he's a versatile and accomplished talent who's achieved notice as a tasteful Canuck rocker, <a href="http://wouldstock.com/" title="Art by Steve van Gelder" />prize-winning painter</a> and self-hating corporate <a href="http://stevevangelder.com/" title="Steve van Gelder print web" />graphic artist</a>.</p> <p>Now, Steve is following the lead of other indie musicians who have given up on making money with their art by dumping his entire catalog on the Web via his new site, <a href="http://www.joefool.com/" title="Songs and music of Steve van Gelder" />joefool.com</a>.</p> <p><strong>A history in music</strong></p> <p>Steve's oeuvre includes six albums, ranging from 1992's <a href="http://www.joefool.com/roadrash_home.html" title="Steve van Gelder: Road Rash" />Road Rash</a> (recorded in Steve's native Toronto) to the 2008 Dallas solo production <a href="http://www.joefool.com/demo_home.html" title="Steve van Gelder: Long Hot Winter" />Long Hot Winter</a>.</p> <p>In between, Steve released three Joe Fool albums, <a href="http://www.joefool.com/earlyRains_home.html" title="Steve van Gelder: Early Rains" />Early Rains</a> (1996), <a href="http://www.joefool.com/garden_home.html" title="Steve van Gelder: Garden" />Garden</a> (2000) and <a href="http://www.joefool.com/guesthouse_home.html" title="Steve van Gelder: Guesthouse" />Guesthouse</a> (2001) and teamed with Dallas pals Brandon Higgins (of <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/11/29/brandon-higgins-has-been-kicked-in-the-nuts/" title="Brandon Higgins has been Kicked In The Nuts" />Kicked In The Nuts</a> fame) and Charlie Begue as the Karolinas for <a href="http://www.joefool.com/karolinas_home.html" title="Karolinas: Big Record" />Big Record</a> (2004).</p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/lovehurts_100.jpg" width="100" height="100" border="1" alt="Love Hurts" />Steve's perhaps most notable, however, for his oversized acrylic on wood art work <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2007/02/19/portrait-captures-the-true-pain-behind-comedy-music-genius/" title="Love Hurts: Portrait captures the true pain behind comedy music genius" />Love Hurts</a>, featuring my own stylized portrait, adorned with an audaciously bleeding heart.</p> <p>Sample a few SVG tracks here. Then visit <a href="http://www.joefool.com/" title="Songs and music of Steve van Gelder" />joefool.com</a> for a whole lot more.</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.joefool.com/demo/LongHotWinter.mp3" title="Steve van Gelder: Long Hot Winter" />Long Hot Winter</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(2:38)</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.joefool.com/karolinas/Never_Blue.mp3" title="Steve van Gelder: Never Blue" />Never Blue</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(3:47)</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.joefool.com/guesthouse/01%20Velvet.mp3" title="Steve van Gelder: Velvet" />Velvet</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(4:52)</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.joefool.com/garden/01%20Train%20Song.mp3" title="Steve van Gelder: Train Song" />Train Song</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(3:44)</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/26/bleeding-art-steve-van-gelder-is-joefool/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Wed, 27 May 2009 07:48:59 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/18/big-phils-love-parade-big-phil-brand-could-be-in-play/ <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/bigphilnew_75.gif" width="75" height="75" border=1 alt="Big Phil's Love Parade Podcast" /><span style="font-weight:bold">Podcast:</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;color:red">Big Phil's Love Parade</span><br /> <span style="font-weight:bold">Dates:</span> December 28, February 8, 15, March 22, 29, April 5, 19, May 4, 2009<br /> <span style="font-weight:bold">Titles:</span> <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=416898">It Was A Very Good Year</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.qb1.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=431320">Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=433633">The Music Show No. 12</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=446095">The Vast Wasteland</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=448758">The Music Show No. 13</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=451316">Betty And Cissie Are My Favorite GGG Girls</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=456180">Rightwinger Tea Tastes Bitter</a>, <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=473338">Twitter This!</a><br /> <span style="font-weight:bold">Download the show:</span> <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_166.mp3">Show 166</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_172.mp3">Show 172</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_173.mp3">Show 173</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_173.mp3">Show 178</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_179.mp3">Show 179</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_180.mp3">Show 180</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_182.mp3">Show 182</a>, <a href="http://media.libsyn.com/media/bigphil/show_184.mp3">Show 184</a></p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/bizarro_110.jpg" width="110" height="110">Big Phil's <a href="http://bit.ly/HjlIK" title="MySpace photo: Big Phil weighs 174" />dieting</a>. Identity in question, he's not sure whether he's really Big Phil, Bizarro Phil, Bald Phil (He confesses he's also stopped shaving his head!) or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.</p> <p>Which Phil is he today? "The Bizarro Phil, not...the Phil...Big Phil!" <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil_184_notbigphil.mp3">he replies</a> triumphantly after some hesitation. <em>Sigh</em>.</p> <p>Madison Avenue is shaken. Analysts suggest the U.S. $1B Big Phil brand could be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Phil Thompson, host of the popular podcast <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/" title="Big Phil's Love Parade" />Big Phil's Love Parade</a>, continues to try on new hats, seeking the best fit for his smooth dome.</p> <p><strong>Bizarro Phil -- A history</strong></p> <p>The first fissure appeared during the fall presidential campaign, when the <em>Love Parade</em> introduced a provocative new character named <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2008/10/17/big-phils-love-parade-purple-asses-imperil-nation/" title="Turetzky Syndrome: Purple asses imperil nation" />Bizarro Phil</a>.</p> <p>And just who is Bizarro Phil? He's a contrarian, Big Phil's doppelganger, the voice inside his head, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego,_and_super-ego#Id" title="Wikipedia: Id, ego and super-ego" />id to Big Phil's ego</a>.</p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/podcast_roundup_90.gif" width="90" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Podcast Roundup" />As the progressive-minded Big Phil launched weekly tirades against Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and other right-wing politicos, Bizarro Phil emphatically denounced <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil152_politics.mp3">purple asses</a> and the Democratic Party.</p> <p>Bizarro Phil was a disruptive force, undermining Big Phil's authority with the 6,000-plus fans who download the <em>Love Parade</em> podcast each and every month.</p> <p>For instance, Big Phil took yet another week off -- I mean, presented one of his "famous" <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=433633" title="Big Phil's Love Parade - Show 173: The Music Show #12" />music shows</a> -- and Bizarro Phil hosted a <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil_160-165_bizarrophil.mp3">music show</a> of his own, revealing that he was "whackin' off right now."</p> <p><strong>Also Sprach Bizarro Phil</strong></p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/bigphil_fred_175.jpg" alt="Fred Flintstone and Big Phil" width="175" height="172" border="1">When Barack Obama won the election, Big Phil proudly waved the flag with his own patriotic music mash-up, dubbing inspirational Obama speech snippets ("Yes we can!" <em>blah blah blah</em>) over the rousing Richard Strauss composition <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Also_sprach_Zarathustra_(Richard_Strauss)" title="Also Sprach Zarathustra on Wikipedia" />Also Sprach Zarathustra</a>.</p> <p>Bizarro Phil's ironic response? A <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bizarro_phil-also_sprach_bizarro_phil.mp3" title="Also Sprach Bizarro Phil" />kazoo orchestra interpretation</a> of the same song, with Bizarro Phil asking the musical question, "I am so gay. How gay?" <p>Finally, a desperate Big Phil introduced a tip jar to his site and invited listeners to contribute. Only, Big Phil insisted, he would never "beg for money."</p> <p>Bizarro Phil entertains no such compunction. "I am begging for money, to pay for my <em>abortion</em>," Bizarro Phil declared in a <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bizarro_phil-voicemail.mp3" title="Bizarro Phil voice mail" />voice mail</a> to Big Phil's hotline.</p> <p>"Ken is always trying to make me say I'm gay!" Big Phil protests, somehow confusing me with his anarchistic nemesis. But "<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil_180_notgay.mp3" />I myself am not gay</a>," he reassures his audience.</p> <p><strong>Speak up for <em>cheesy porn music</em></strong></p> <p>My interest in the outcome is simple. I've invested heavily in Big Phil and I'd like to see the enterprise continue to prosper. The <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Search_engine_optimization" title="SEO on Wikipedia" />Search Engine Optimization</a> geniuses now squeezing the life out of <a href="http://twitter.com/kturet" title="Ken Turetzky on Twitter" />Twitter</a> will understand when I explain that Big Phil sends many suckers, I mean visitors, to my own site, where they read the blog, type <em>Jesus Killer</em> in the comment box and depart.</p> <p>As an example, thanks to Big Phil, my site is No. 3 on Google for the phrase <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cheesy+porn+music%22&sourceid=navclient-ff&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1B2GGGL_en___US202" title="Google search: cheesy porn music" />cheesy porn music</a>.</p> <p>That's how I described Big Phil's closing theme, brother <a href="http://www.myspace.com/claythompson1966" title="Clay Thompson on MySpace" />Clay Thompson</a>'s <em>Smooth Talker</em>, which I informally retitled <a href="http://bigphil.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=431320" title="Big Phil's Love Parade - Show 172: Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown" />Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown</a>.</p> <p>And you know what? Cheesy porn music is very popular on Google, along with <a href="http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=SUNA,SUNA:2006-02,SUNA:en&q=ass%20itches" title="Google search: ass itches" />ass itches</a> and other disreputable phrases that drive traffic my way.</p> <p>Anyway, if Big Phil cracks up, insiders whisper that network execs are prepared to offer Bizarro Phil a generous package to take over the coveted Sunday night slot. Gotta have a backup plan!</p> <p>On recent shows, Phil played my songs <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/my-fat-ass-itches/" title="My Fat Ass Itches lyrics and band info" />My Fat Ass Itches</a>, <a href="http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=30714" title="People I Know on the Mad Music Archive" />People I Know</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvC3e-wE8ds" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: True Love, Live at Bill's Records" />True Love</a>, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvC3e-wE8dsIf" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: If They Found Me Dead" />They Found Me Dead</a>, the latter two performed live at Bill's Records in Dallas.</p> <p><strong>Big Phil vs. Bizarro Phil</strong></p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil_166-184.mp3">Big Phil's favorite moments</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(4:47).</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bizarro_phil-also_sprach_bizarro_phil.mp3">Also Sprach Bizarro Phil</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(1:36).</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bigphil_180_phil_replies.mp3">Big Phil is not gay</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(2:41).</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/bizarro_phil-voicemail.mp3">Bizarro Phil begs for money</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(0:48).</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/18/big-phils-love-parade-big-phil-brand-could-be-in-play/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Mon, 18 May 2009 21:48:20 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/01/nation-asks-who-will-be-the-next-weiner/ <p>The time for panic will arrive soon enough.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/hot_topics_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Hot Topics" />As the Department of Homeland Security often reminds us, every American should know when to abandon all sense, cover your mouth and nose with a 10-cent dust mask from Home Depot and imagine you're bleeding internally.</p> <p>But that moment is not here yet.</p> <p>Nevertheless, these is tough times for pigs, what with Mexico's population decimated from the swine flu and Americans unsure <a href="http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1894703,00.html?cnn=yes" title="Swine Flu: Don't Blame the Pig" />who to blame</a> for the potential pandemic. Should we blame the Mexicans or the pigs? Or the gays, unwed mothers, and for the hell of it, our old standby, <em>the Jews?</em></p> <p><strong>Pig love</strong></p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/boger_250.jpg" width="250" height="116" alt="Carol and Charles Boger of Ham Bone Express" />The <a href="http://www.star-telegram.com/804/story/1350141.html" title="Mayfest, other events canceled over flu concerns" />blowback from swine flu</a> has sidelined such popular acts as the <a href="http://www.hamboneexpress3.com/home.htm" title="Ham Bone Express pig races" />Ham Bone Express</a>, my <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2008/06/01/ham-bone-express-smokes-mayfest-field/" title="Turetzky Syndrome: Ham Bone Express smokes Mayfest field" />old nemesis</a> from the 2008 Fort Worth Mayfest, and I imagine some apprehension among <a href="http://4-h.org/" title="Welcome to 4-H" />4-H</a> families regarding the status of a good many midwestern county fairs scheduled for this summer.</p> <p>From my perspective, I always enjoy visiting the Pig Barn and waiting patiently for a smiling, 4,000-pound swine, with an 8-digit tattoo on its left ham like an <em>Auschwitz victim</em>, struggle to its feet to enjoy a farewell scratch under the chin.</p> <p>They're intelligent animals, really! Even smarter than dogs, which are really, really smart animals themselves!</p> <p><strong>News alert: Ham Bone Express sequestered!</strong></p> <p>Which brings me back to the Ham Bone Express. <em>Whole hog excitement for your next event!</em> pronounces its site, which also proclaims it champions of the dubious NPRA (National Pig Racing Association).</p> <p>The proprietors write:</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">Greetings Ken,</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">Charlie and I just read your blog. You my friend are very funny.</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">At this point the public mood has not affected our bookings. However, we have made the choice to sequester our <em>olympig</em> racers to elevate the chance of suspect fair goers contaminating our precious pampered performers.</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">Thanks for your concern and keep on racing!</p> <p style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">Charles and Carol Boger</p> <p>Now, Carol mounts a brave front (cleverly turning the controversy on its curly little ear, so to speak), but I know she's concerned about the future of her enterprise. The shame of it is, pig racing was just earning long-deserved recognition as a big-time sport, rivaling pro wrestling and Major League Baseball. I mean, it's at least as legit as NASCAR!</p> <p><em>Who will be the next weiner?</em> asks the inscription on the Ham Bone Express trailer.</p> <p>That's a question all of us should be asking ourselves right now. Will it be me, you, or the swine flu?</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/05/01/nation-asks-who-will-be-the-next-weiner/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Fri, 01 May 2009 19:23:24 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/30/mayfest-pulls-plug-on-pig-flu-scare/ <p>Oh, how the sausage turns.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/hot_topics_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Hot Topics" />Almost exactly one year ago, I was performing on the Zone Stage at Mayfest 2008 in Fort Worth, vainly competing for audience share with the far more appealing <a href="http://www.hamboneexpress3.com/home.htm" title="Ham Bone Express pig races" />Ham Bone Express</a>. I didn't stand a chance.</p> <p>"I'm not finished entertaining you yet!" I hollered as the crowd <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/Ken_Turetzky_Not-finished_Mayfest_128k.mp3">abandoned me</a> for the bright lights and carny appeal of the neighboring pig races.</p> <p>Wonder how those little piggies are feeling today? I'll bet current events have really got them on the run.</p> <p><strong>Have you heard about this swine flu epidemic?</strong></p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/hambone_200.jpg" width="200" height="136" alt="Ham Bone Express" />Via <a href="http://twitter.com/guidelivemusic" title="DMN GuideLive on Twitter" />@guidelivemusic</a> on <a href="http://twitter.com/kturet" title="Ken Turetzky on Twitter" />Twitter</a>, I learn that Tarrant County Health Department authorities have canceled <a href="http://www.mayfest.org/" title="Fort Worth Mayfest" />Mayfest 2009</a> "in the interest of public health and safety."</p> <p>Seems a bad case of <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/29/texas-school-sports-event_n_192955.html" title="Texas school sports events canceled for swine flu" />Texas Swine Flu Hysteria</a> has upset the old corn dog cart. (Hats off to faddish social media, proving to be quite the valuable tool in helping foment <a href="http://cli.gs/9rbvmm" title="Swine Flu Hysteria: 10,000 Tweets Per Hour" />viral spread</a> of public health scares!)</p> <p><strong>Who's coughing now, Mayfest?</strong></p> <p>Actually, I'd been feeling a bit down since the Mayfest folks declined to bring me back for another run at that Ham Bone Express crowd. I don't think they appreciated my <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2008/06/01/ham-bone-express-smokes-mayfest-field/" title="Turetzky Syndrome: Ham Bone Express smokes Mayfest field" />account of last year's festival</a>.</p> <p>Not feeling so bad any more. Except for a little cough, that is. Might be running a temperature, too. I think I'll go to the mall, hang out with the crowd and breathe some fresh air.</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/30/mayfest-pulls-plug-on-pig-flu-scare/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:49:30 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/15/bad-video-ive-got-a-hole-in-my-head/ <p>In case you're wondering where I've been the past week, well, I've been immersed in geek mode, attempting to produce a video that won't turn to mush on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/kturet" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube" />YouTube</a>.</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/video_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Video" />But here's what I eventually discovered: <em>Everybody's</em> videos look bad on <em>YouTube!</em> The bad videos are what make <em>YouTube</em> a great big, fuzzy democracy.</p> <p>This news arrives as a relief. Grooming is no longer necessary before one shoots a video, as nobody can tell what you look like, anyway. I might start calling myself Paul McCartney. People won't know the difference, as long as the volume's turned off.</p> <p>And so, I'm proud to present this crappy looking video of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kam12TxeeQM" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: I've Got A Hole In My Head" />I've Got A Hole In My Head</a>, my opening number at the recent <a href="http://www.meifestivals.com/deepspr.html" title="Deep Ellum Arts Festival" />Deep Ellum Arts Festival</a>.</p> <p><strong>Better than No Quality</strong></p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/uglyguystv" title="UglyGuysTV on YouTube" />Lee Cates</a>, last seen at my <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/tag/bills-records/" title="Bill's Records tag at turetzkysyndrome.com" />Bill's Records</a> set, returned to capture the pixellated action in beautiful <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Sony-Camcorder-Cassettes-Minute-4-Pack/dp/B0000632H2" title="Sony Hi8 camcorder tape" />Sony Hi8</a>.</p> <p>Select <em>HQ</em> mode (look for the icon at lower right in the video panel) for best display.</p> <p>Or, if you prefer super special Extra Quality, download this <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/video/01_deaf_holeinmyhead_xvid.avi" title="Ken Turetzky video: I've Got A Hole In My Head" />62.5MB edit</a> of <em>I've Got A Hole In My Head</em> (&copy; 2009 Ken Turetzky).</p> <p><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kam12TxeeQM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kam12TxeeQM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object> <p><strong>Spec sheet</strong></p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/bw_aus3_400.jpg" width="400" height="262" alt="Ken Turetzky at Deep Ellum Arts Festival. Bronwen Walsh photo." /></p> <p>Professional videographers will really enjoy the following technical detail. Be sure to let me know what all of this stuff means, because I don't understand any of it.</p> <ul> <li><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kam12TxeeQM" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: I've Got A Hole In My Head" />I've Got A Hole In My Head</a> re-encoded with the open-source program <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VirtualDub" title="VirtualDub on Wikipedia" />VirtualDub</a>, from the original .VOB digital rip.</li> <li>VirtualDub filters: null transform (used to crop 720x480 video to 640x480), <a href="http://home.earthlink.net/~tacosalad/video/fadefx.htm" title="FadeFX plugin for VirtualDub" />FadeFX</a> (fade out and fade in), brightness/contrast, subtitler (using a script created with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SubStation_Alpha" title="Sub Station Alpha on Wikipedia" />Sub Station Alpha</a>).</li> <li>Compressed with XviD MPEG-4 codec, quality setting 8/31 (file size 62.5MB). Video length: 2:57.</li> </ul> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/15/bad-video-ive-got-a-hole-in-my-head/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:58:02 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/05/this-is-the-artists-underground-stage/ <p>Roving photographer <em>Danny Bollinger</em> missed my show; grabbed an image of the banner out front of the Artist Underground Stage at the <a href="http://www.meifestivals.com/deepspr.html" title="Deep Ellum Arts Festival" />Deep Ellum Arts Festival</a>.</p> <p>Post-mortem and horrifying video to follow!<p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/deaf_db1.jpg" width="350" height="220" border=1 /></p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/deaf_db1a.jpg" width="350" height="203" border=1 /></p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/deaf_db1b.jpg" width="350" height="101" border=1 /></p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/05/this-is-the-artists-underground-stage/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:32:50 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/01/catch-me-at-the-deep-ellum-arts-festival/ <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/gigs_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Gigs" />It's festival time again, kids, and that means I'll be onstage outdoors at an inappropriate time for <em>adult humor</em>, slinging <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/her-shit-dont-stink/" title="Her Shit Don't Stink lyrics and band info" />Her Shit Don't Stink</a> and <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/my-fat-ass-itches/" title="My Fat Ass Itches lyrics and band info" />My Fat Ass Itches</a> out amongst the face painters and fried Snickers concessions.</p> <p>The folks at the 15th annual <a href="http://www.meifestivals.com/deepspr.html" title="Deep Ellum Arts Festival" />Deep Ellum Arts Festival</a> will almost certainly regret inviting me to perform from 11:30 a.m.-12:15 p.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist's Underground stage. Admission is free.</p> <p><img style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/deaf_350.gif" width="350" height="175" border=1 /></p> <p>Haven't decided which way to go as of yet. Should I adapt to the hour or go for a lifetime ban from all public events? Take a look at the <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/deafmap2009.gif" title="Deep Ellum Arts Festival map" />Deep Ellum Arts Festival map</a>, then find me on Main Street, between Crowdus Street and Malcolm X Boulevard.</p> <p>The festival will run from Friday, April 3, through Sunday, April 5, featuring more than 75 bands and 100 artists. An estimated 60,000 people will attend.</p> <p>So, come on out, stick your fingers in your ears, and enjoy the show!</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/04/01/catch-me-at-the-deep-ellum-arts-festival/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:56:22 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/03/28/the-kid-can-write-his-own-ticket/ <p><span style="font-weight:bold">Podcast:</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;color:red">Tasty Logic</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Dates:</span> March 28, 2009<br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Titles:</span> <a href="http://tastylogic.com/?p=62">Tasty Logic&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;Episode 34</a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold">Download the show:</span> <a href="http://m.podshow.com/media/904/episodes/149106/tastylogic-149106-03-28-2009.mp3">Episode 34</a></p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/tastylogic_75.gif" width="75" height="75" border=1 alt="Tasty Logic podcast" /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032342/" title="City For Conquest on imdb.com" />City For Conquest</a>: Sensitive composer Arthur Kennedy's sitting at the piano during mobster Elia Kazan's fancy blowout, and reluctant welterweight Jimmy Cagney implores him, "Come on, Eddie. Play that song that I like."</p> <p>So Arthur Kennedy begins his sweaty classical masterpiece, and the partiers ignore him, start talking even louder, and Arthur Kennedy responds, bitterly, "I'll show them," and breaks into a wild, cheap, popular number he's been holding in reserve.</p> <p>Predictably, the crowd instantly perks up. As they gather 'round the piano, snapping their fingers, a Broadway producer rushes up and shouts, "The kid can write his own ticket!"</p> <p>Is this artistic success? No? Well, at least the people are listening!</p> <p><strong>Hair me, feel me</strong></p> <p><img style="float:left;margin-right:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/interviews_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" alt="Turetzky Syndrome Interviews" />"One week you're great and the next week you're shit," I told podcaster Mark Ramsey, as we recorded after business hours in the tiny outer office of his family's North Dallas wholesale wig business, which also serves as the <a href="http://tastylogic.com/?p=62" title="Tasty Logic podcast, Episode 34" />Tasty Logic</a> studio. "Or <em>nothing</em>, which is worse than shit. You would rather they <em>hate you</em> than ignore you."</p> <p>Tasty Logic was an early entry in my <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/tag/podcast/" title="Turetzky Syndrome Podcast Roundup" />Podcast Roundup</a> when Mark, then based in Houston, played <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/my-fat-ass-itches/" title="My Fat Ass Itches lyrics and band info" />My Fat Ass Itches</a> on the <a href="http://tastylogic.com/?p=46" title="Tasty Logic podcast, Episode 20" />Dec. 9, 2006</a>, edition of his show.</p> <p>He's since mounted a Dallas Cowboys/fantasy football podcast called <a href="http://pigskinradio.com/" title="Pigskin Radio podcast" />Pigskin Radio</a>, and with this episode announced he's "rebooted" Tasty Logic as a Dallas-Fort Worth arts and entertainment show.</p> <p><strong>Blah, blah, blah</strong></p> <p>We talked about the usual stuff&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;the origin of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lvbiAe4VOA" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: My Fat Ass Itches" />My Fat Ass Itches</a> (Thanks, hemorrhoids!), <a href="http://www.biglots.com/" title="Big Lots!" />Big Lots</a> vs. <a href="http://www.dollartree.com/home.jsp" title="Dollar Tree" />Dollar Tree</a> and the now-familiar story of <em>How I Got Started In Music.</em></p> <p>Mark allowed me to plug my upcoming set at the <a href="http://www.meifestivals.com/deepspr.html" title="Deep Ellum Arts Festival" />Deep Ellum Arts Festival</a>, 11:30 a.m. Saturday, April 4 on the Artist's Underground stage.</p> <p>I also performed my own reviled tunes, <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2006/05/02/her-shit-dont-stink/" title="Her Shit Don't Stink lyrics and band info" />Her Shit Don't Stink</a> and <em>My Fat Ass Itches,</em> inadvertently blasting the vocal mic. Sorry about that. Sometimes I don't know my own strength!</p> <p>But ultimately, the discussion with Mark helped me focus on a winning strategy for the 21st Century&nbsp;&#8212;&nbsp;cultivating hate.</p> <p><strong>Victory in defeat</strong></p> <p>"That's what I go for now. [Audiences] don't realize they absolutely love what they hear. They're reacting to it. They think they hate it, but I know they love it," I said.</p> <p>"When I'm being kicked out of the bar, that's a victory for me and them. Do they realize when they're banning <em>Her Shit Don't Stink</em> and telling me never to play it again, they've actually had a reaction to it?</p> <p>"I need to convince more people to hate me. Then I'll know I've made it!"</p> <p><img src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/music_white.gif" width="16" height="16" border=0>&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/audio/tastylogic_34_kenturetzky.mp3">Tasty Logic interviews Ken Turetzky</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;(22:50).</p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/03/28/the-kid-can-write-his-own-ticket/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Sun, 29 Mar 2009 03:13:19 GMT http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/03/25/nuke-the-debt-vid-protests-bitter-end/ <p>Thank goodness we finally have an <a href="http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=399912858&blogId=470421194" title="Barack Obama...Finally An Intelligent President" />Intelligent President</a>. So what if the economy's <a href=http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/21/despair-over-financial-policy/" title="Paul Krugman: Despair over financial policy" />headed for collapse</a>? At least the guy in the White House <em>looks smart</em> at a press conference!</p> <p><img style="float:right;margin-left:8px" src="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/images/video_75.gif" width="75" height="43" border="0" title="Turetzky Syndrome Video" />Since I'm all out of the usual stuff to protest, I've enjoyed the luxury to indulge my fear of the inevitable. "When my time comes, I'm not going," I greet skeptical audiences. "If God wants me, he's going to have to <em>kill me</em>."</p> <p>That's the theme of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBYLUU7DxBI" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube: I'll Get Old And Die" />I'll Get Old And Die</a>, the latest addition to my <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/kturet" title="Ken Turetzky on YouTube" />Turetzky Syndrome Channel</a> on YouTube.</p> <p><strong>Quick solutions</strong></p> <p>Is it just me, or does Timothy Geithner sound like Lenny Bruce hopped up on speed?</p> <p>I'm so confused. If only George W. Bush were still president. He'd know what to do about those <a href="http://www.boston.com/business/markets/articles/2009/03/24/wall_st_celebrates_others_wary_as_us_pushes_to_buy_toxic_assets/" title="Wall St. celebrates, others wary as US pushes to buy toxic assets" />toxic assets</a> and that annoying foreign debt problem. He'd <a href="http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/417481/will_george_bush_nuke_iran.html" title="Will George Bush Nuke Iran?" />nuke them</a>!</p> <p><object width="360" height="292"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XBYLUU7DxBI&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed style="display:block;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XBYLUU7DxBI&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="360" height="292"></embed></object></p> <p>Get the video: <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/video/kenturetzky_liveatbills_igoadie.mp4" title="Ken Turetzky video: I'll Get Old And Die, Live at Bill's Records" />I'll Get Old And Die, Live at Bill's Records</a></p> <a href="http://www.turetzkysyndrome.com/2009/03/25/nuke-the-debt-vid-protests-bitter-end/">turetzkysyndrome.com</a> Ken Turetzky Wed, 25 Mar 2009 08:43:32 GMT