Turetzky Syndrome

Don't play this one for your mother

Ken Turetzky — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:14:48 GMT

Almost two years after the infamous 9/11 release of The Best Of The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour, Vol. 1, the reviews keep rolling in.

Let me just flip through some of the reviews here…hmmm, don't have any. Must have misplaced them.

Fortunately, though, Red's timeless comedy still rates with "world-traveling German mother of two (beagles)" and prolific epinions.com author knotheadusc, whose July 19 review raves, Red Peters and friends at their absolute raunchiest!!! [exclamation points added].

The indefatigueable knotheadusc (not her real name) devotes a sentence or two to all 19 tracks on Red's funny, funny, compilation, and says this about my own Her Shit Don't Stink:

style="margin-left:12px;margin-right:12px">Ken Turetzky sings a somber number called Her Sh*t Don't Stink, a harmonica accented song about a woman who thinks she's better than everyone else. I bet a lot of us know someone like this. I like the way Turetzky sings this song, almost with a slight snarkiness that makes me think someone special inspired it.

Filthy and filthier

Best Of earns a Product Rating of 4.0 (on a 5 scale). Over the course of two paragraphs, knotheadusc progressively describes the album as: explicit, sick, twisted, filthy, disgusting, filthy, crass, vulgar, disgusting, filthy, vulgar, raunchy, raunchy and filthier.

Filthy wins, with disgusting and raunchy running a respectable second.

"The Bottom Line," she writes: "Don't play this one for your mother."

Now you tell me! My Mom adds another complaint to the reviewer's list: Where did we go wrong?

turetzkysyndrome.com

How to survive Auschwitz

Ken TUretzky — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:19:16 GMT

Just imagine what Poland's besieged Jewish community might have accomplished with the informational and emotional resources of Twitter and Psychology Today, had they been available back in 1944.

Oy! The tragedy! Even today, Twitter, with its inexhaustible cache of self-styled #lifecoachweasel(s) and green-themed avatars, has stoked me with the emotional support to weather such traumatic events as Iran election riots and the John and Kate divorce.

Speaking of which, we finally hold one honest election in this country, and all of a sudden we're experts?

You doesn't have ta call me Ray

But enough about lost causes. The lightweight champ of this self-help story is author Ray B. Williams, whose new column in Psychology Today, deceptively titled How To Stay Happy During the Recession, actually dispenses valuable Auschwitz survival advice!

Talk about burying the lead!

(For those who avert their eyes from supermarket checkout displays, Psychology Today is a fluffy periodical whose hit-and-run analysis lets people feel good about themselves — even when they shouldn't.)

Thanks to Twitter for hipping me to Ray B. Williams's work, via this perky tweet from the professionally excited @CarolLeavitt, whose Twitter bio describes her as: Serial entrepreneur! Leadership coach! Author & Lecturer! Educator with boundless energy!

Well, I like being happy! And who knows? Maybe the author will also clear up that mystery over who moved my cheese.

Don't worry, be sappy

At first skim, Ray B. Williams appears to recycle familiar platitudes the ruling class feeds to beaten serfs after stripping them of all treasure and dignity: Pursue meaningful life goals. Learn how to live in the present moment. Nurture meaningful relationships.

Boring! Tried all that. Didn't work. I'm still broke, and praying for death.

But then, a revelation!

Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses.

Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote in his best seller, Man's Search for Meaning…that those people in the concentration camps that focused on their inner strengths and choosing how they viewed things, were happier and better survivors [emphasis added]….

I get it now. If I want to Stay Happy During the Recession, all I gotta do is emulate those happy concentration camp survivors!

Hitler said it best

Just stay positive, and life will take care of itself. It's like Hitler said: "If those Jews in Auschwitz all die, I'll just find some Jews with a better attitude to take their place!"

Difficult to keep your focus, though. Now I'm imagining a Recession in Auschwitz. Shudder! The perfect storm!

No, no, no! Don't give in to negativity! Do you want to be one of the "happier and better" concentration camp survivors Ray B. Williams (co-founder of Success IQ University!) wrote about, or one of those loser survivors?

Just noticed the word concentration in the phrase concentration camp is hyperlinked in Ray B. Williams' article. Hyperlink points to glossary entry (titled, "Psychology Today looks at Concentration") reading, "Not being able to pay attention leads to a state worse than death: boredom."

Does anybody edit this shit?

Whatever. You know what? If you got it, I'm gonna survive it. Know why? 'Cause I'm a survivor, that's why! Take that, Recession! You too, Auschwitz!

And hey, Grandma. I wanna get me one of those cool tattoos — just like the one you have on your arm!

Do we have any asses here today?

Ken Turetzky — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:49:20 GMT

"And now it's time for the blues portion of our show," I warned the collected faithful at Bill's Records, mid-way through the Nov. 1, 2008, show that continues to spit out (now classic) video singles.

"This next here song's called My Fat Ass Itches — 'cause it does."

Guitar tip: Capo the E-chord up to the sixth fret, and you can actually play My Fat Ass Itches in the key of B-fat. Really wows the crowd!

I paused during the lead break to recommend, "This would be the time now, if you've got a fat ass, to swing it!

"Do we have any asses here today?"

The dance floor remained empty. These things happen either organically, or not at all.

Play it in B-fat

Get the video: My Fat Ass Itches, Live at Bill's Records

turetzkysyndrome.com

Another podcaster pays the price

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:34:52 GMT

Podcast: Bugcast
Dates: March 27 and April 10, 2009
Titles: Episode 54, Episode 56
Download the show: Episode 54, Episode 56

Dave Lee probably figures he's built a solid foundation of work and a loyal audience over 65 weekly episodes of the U.K.-based Bugcast.

I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing invested in the chat-and-music program, and see Dave's archive as a soundbed of coughs, sighs, belches, grunts and assorted exclamations I can combine with a few non-sequiters to completely mischaracterize his intent.

In other words, I've alienated another podcaster who foolishly played one of my songs (The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, on Episode 56).

On the other hand, Dave's show is much, much funnier now!

I just can't help myself

But to quote another long-suffering podcaster pal of mine, Big Phil, That is what I do. That is my job. Very glad to help you.

Dave's show (recorded live most weeks) and site are remarkable for their consistency and domesticity. Kids sent off to bed for the evening, he plays an eclectic mix of music, greets the fans in the chatroom, bemoans his latest speeding ticket, introduces his wife as she wanders by the microphone, reads listener feedback, comments on news from the BBC.

He coins charming phrases. "This has prompted a bit of a chatty on the chatroom," Dave says.

He's controversial. "I think we are naturally a race of survivors, not of killers."

Show notes are promptly and meticulously updated, including both links to musical artists' sites and music source (generally podshow.com).

Thanks to Colin of the Ourobouros podcast who, while he has wisely never played any of my music, did recommend me to Bugcast.

And Dave, don't even think about taking a lozenge before you start your show. I can get talk and music anywhere. But that hacking cough is comedy gold!

This is a happy show, isn't it? (0:32).

I haven't played Ken Turetzky, myself (2:05).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 23:28:19 GMT

Seems like its only been a century since Tyrone Kahn took up podcasting, but he's actually concluded two seasons of the Kahn Man's Comedy Corner.

As the Season 5 (including three seasons streaming on the Live365 network) Finale drops on iTunes, the excitable Kahn Man is already planning new business for his return in September.

For one thing, the Season 6 opener will introduce Tyrone's latest single. Can't tell you the title, but think Beatles parody, following his 2008 mega-hit Let Me Pee.

Also watch for an exclusive interview with voice artist Wally Wingert, known for his appearances on the Family Guy animated series.

10,000 downloads

Tyrone played several of my songs this season, including People I Know on the Season 5 Finale.

His show's a hit! Following its debut in September 2007, the KMCC podcast has recorded more than 10,000 downloads (covering its first 39 episodes). Not bad for a comedy music show host who counted his weekly streaming radio listeners on both hands and feet, with his eyes and ears thrown in.

Don't ask me why Tyrone counts that way. He just does. Now that he has a podcast, Tyrone can hardly count all his listeners. I have to help him!

Along with iTunes, listeners can find KMCC on Gcast or subscribe to the show's FeedBurner feed.

See you in September, everybody. And as the Kahn Man says, "Keep laughing!"

We made it to Episode 20! Whooo! (0:44).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Rosie Koonunga-Hill exposed!

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:16:44 GMT

Podcast: Comedy365
Date: February 17, 2009
Title: Chickenflaps, Episode 28

The veil has come off, and we now know that Rosie Koonunga-Hill, the voice behind the curious Chickenflaps intro, is none other than the female half of the unknown U.K. comedy team Sowerby and Luff, Georgina Sowerby.

"Originally hosted by Georgina Sowerby’s foul-mouthed Aussie alter-ego Rosie Koonunga-Hill, Chickenflaps is now produced and presented by Richard Cray. The show features the very best comedy songs from around the Internet…," reads the Chickenflaps page on the re-designed and now nearly impenetrable Comedy 365 site.

Still don't know why the show's called Chickenflaps; still don't care.

However, I'm generally pleased to report my third appearance on Chickenflaps (See Comedy 365: We ask the tough questions and Stop flapping; it’s not funny), the second with Richard Cray as host.

Those funny, funny Brits

From its mysterious title to its colloquial jokes and references to obscure publishers of romance novels, Chickenflaps is a font of idiomatic entertainment.

Here's this episode's description, which I filed away before Comedy 365 wiped much of Chickenflaps' history off the Google map:

A special Valentine's edition of Chickenflaps with Richard Cray. Mind you, that's "special" in the most euphemistic sense of the word. Featuring songs from Robert Lund, Carla Ulbrich, Ken Turetzsky [sic], Bob Ricci, Tom Smith, and Paul & Storm. Mills & Boon it certainly ain't.

Cray works from a script — and most importantly, pronouncing my name correctly, even if the producers misspelled it — and the show's overall sound is professional, if not spontaneous.

"Love is in the air," he says. "Not in a fluffy Valentine's way. More in an obsessional and murderous Jerry Springer girlfriend-you're-a-werewolf or some other kind of fictional creature way. None of your gushy American Idol star ballads on this show, folks, no!"

The menacing playlist includes my song, True Love (Live at Bill's Records).

Fluffy valentine (1:03).

turetzkysyndrome.com

RIP, Poddycast

Ken Turetzky — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 06:06:37 GMT

Podcast: Poddycast
Date: November 20, 2008
Title: Episode 4

If only I'd gotten there sooner. I could have written a little something, promoted Marc's show a bit, and perhaps Poddycast would still be with us.

But the U.K.-based podcast ceased production in January after 21 episodes, and its old domain returned to the soil, yielding only a 404 error.

Marc (I never got a last name) founded his show with the help of Dalecast host Steve Wheatley. From the beginning, however, Poddycast was beset with technical problems.

Although the show featured a strong intro and decent production, Marc's nearly inaudible segues created a jolting contrast. Emphatic delivery aside, he sounded as if he were calling in his part from a submarine. And perhaps he was.

No accounting for taste

For the sake of history, please enjoy this brief segment from Episode 4, featuring my song Her Shit Don't Stink, Live at Bill's Records.

Betraying his bad taste, Marc also played Ben Twisted's odorous alt-rock Vasectomy song.

That's all, folks! (0:55).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Google sez I'm tops in 'Commedy' music!

Ken Turetzky — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:07:15 GMT

I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.

SEO, sometimes called Search Engine Optimization, is a magical tool that uses words to trick Google into thinking your Web site is important. As a result, thousands of people visit your site and you get spectacularly rich.

It's just that simple.

Now, regular people like me lack the skills to exploit SEO to best advantage. We must consult Twitter to find SEO specialists, or, as Hyper Nonsense co-host Shawno Gordo calls them, SEO social marketing expert genius douchebags.

Bad spellers welcome

Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms — especially among people who can't spell.

For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), turetzkysyndrome.com is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase Commedy music.

Alas, spell "comedy" correctly and my site drops to No. 6. Still lands me on Page One, though!

Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I'm No. 1 on Google for comedy music podcast and No. 2 for how to write a comedy song and morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics.

The term shit dont stink song delivers a 1-2 punch, and I'm No. 1 for big purple asses, No. 2 for cheesy porn music and No. 5 for fat ass from howard stern.

I'm also tops for Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and Brandon Higgins. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.

Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass

My blog is an international phenomenon as well, placing first among stutterers on Google UK for I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it. Google Japan lists me second for I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD, referencing my popular song of the same name.

Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I'm presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.

Popular search terms include, from Alexandria, Al Iskandariyah, Egypt, Fill My Fat Ass; from Ar Riyad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, fat hairy ass; and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, big fat ass woman.

Who would have known? I write one song called My Fat Ass Itches and the world comes calling.

On reflection, I don't need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for big fat ass? I'm your douchebag!

Google sez I'm tops in Commedy music!

I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.

It's just that simple.

Bad spellers welcome

Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms — especially among people who can't spell.

For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), turetzkysyndrome.com is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase Commedy music.

Alas, spell "comedy" correctly and my site drops to No. 6. Still lands me on Page One, though!

Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I'm No. 1 on Google for comedy music podcast and No. 2 for how to write a comedy song and morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics.

The term shit dont stink song delivers a 1-2 punch, and I'm No. 1 for big purple asses, No. 2 for cheesy porn music and No. 5 for fat ass from howard stern.

I'm also tops for Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and Brandon Higgins. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.

Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass

Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I'm presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.

Who would have known? I write one song called My Fat Ass Itches and the world comes calling.

On reflection, I don't need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for big fat ass? I'm your douchebag!

turetzkysyndrome.com

Whine Flu mars return to Bill's Records

Ken Turetzky — Sat, 30 May 2009 05:58:46 GMT

"Don't worry about this cough. Jews don't get the Swine Flu. We get the Whine Flu!

"Oh, my, Gawd, is this guy back again? He's hooorrrible!" I mock-kvetched to the sparse Bill's Records audience during my Memorial Day weekend set.

To compound the misery, Bill's booker Becky Hyden has posted a pair of YouTube videos, where you can see me failing miserably in front of nobody.

Believe me, it's better that way.

Becky added some fancy video edits with the help of Windows Moviemaker, though! Titles, cuts, transitions, the whole thing.

Against my better judgment, here's the evidence:

Why Don't You Get A Job

Let Love In

turetzkysyndrome.com

Me and Bill make the society page

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:58:24 GMT

I had just begun bombing during my Saturday set at Bill's Records when Bill Wisener came sprinting back from his post at the front door, waving the Society page of Park Cities People.

"We made the paper! That's me and you!" Bill exclaimed. In Chris McGathey's candid photo from the April 24 edition, I appear to be holding up a happy but exhausted Bill, late on the second day of his 65th birthday celebration.

The bittersweet feature by Society Editor Georgia Fisher could be describing her own business as well. "Despite Industry's Ills, Music Merchant Plays on. Bill's Records owner not quite ready to throw in towel," reads the headline.

To help keep Bill in the game and fill out your collection with a rare LP, CD or piece of music memorabilia, visit Bill's on eBay.

And if you've got an extra quarter, drop it in the box and buy a newspaper. Get 'em while they last!

See peoplenewspapers.com for more Bill's birthday photos.

turetzkysyndrome.com

Bleeding art: Steve van Gelder is Joe Fool

Ken Turetzky — Wed, 27 May 2009 07:48:59 GMT

Steve van Gelder is more than just a double for newsworthy comedian and Howard Stern Show favorite Robert Schimmel.

Separated at birth: Steve van Gelder (l) and Bob Schimmel

In fact, he's a versatile and accomplished talent who's achieved notice as a tasteful Canuck rocker, prize-winning painter and self-hating corporate graphic artist.

Now, Steve is following the lead of other indie musicians who have given up on making money with their art by dumping his entire catalog on the Web via his new site, joefool.com.

A history in music

Steve's oeuvre includes six albums, ranging from 1992's Road Rash (recorded in Steve's native Toronto) to the 2008 Dallas solo production Long Hot Winter.

In between, Steve released three Joe Fool albums, Early Rains (1996), Garden (2000) and Guesthouse (2001) and teamed with Dallas pals Brandon Higgins (of Kicked In The Nuts fame) and Charlie Begue as the Karolinas for Big Record (2004).

Steve's perhaps most notable, however, for his oversized acrylic on wood art work Love Hurts, featuring my own stylized portrait, adorned with an audaciously bleeding heart.

Sample a few SVG tracks here. Then visit joefool.com for a whole lot more.

Long Hot Winter (2:38)

Never Blue (3:47)

Velvet (4:52)

Train Song (3:44)

turetzkysyndrome.com

Big Phil brand could be in play

Ken Turetzky — Mon, 18 May 2009 21:48:20 GMT

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: December 28, February 8, 15, March 22, 29, April 5, 19, May 4, 2009
Titles: It Was A Very Good Year, Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown, The Music Show No. 12, The Vast Wasteland, The Music Show No. 13, Betty And Cissie Are My Favorite GGG Girls, Rightwinger Tea Tastes Bitter, Twitter This!
Download the show: Show 166, Show 172, Show 173, Show 178, Show 179, Show 180, Show 182, Show 184

Big Phil's dieting. Identity in question, he's not sure whether he's really Big Phil, Bizarro Phil, Bald Phil (He confesses he's also stopped shaving his head!) or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.

Which Phil is he today? "The Bizarro Phil, not...the Phil...Big Phil!" he replies triumphantly after some hesitation. Sigh.

Madison Avenue is shaken. Analysts suggest the U.S. $1B Big Phil brand could be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Phil Thompson, host of the popular podcast Big Phil's Love Parade, continues to try on new hats, seeking the best fit for his smooth dome.

Bizarro Phil -- A history

The first fissure appeared during the fall presidential campaign, when the Love Parade introduced a provocative new character named Bizarro Phil.

And just who is Bizarro Phil? He's a contrarian, Big Phil's doppelganger, the voice inside his head, the id to Big Phil's ego.

As the progressive-minded Big Phil launched weekly tirades against Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and other right-wing politicos, Bizarro Phil emphatically denounced purple asses and the Democratic Party.

Bizarro Phil was a disruptive force, undermining Big Phil's authority with the 6,000-plus fans who download the Love Parade podcast each and every month.

For instance, Big Phil took yet another week off -- I mean, presented one of his "famous" music shows -- and Bizarro Phil hosted a music show of his own, revealing that he was "whackin' off right now."

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil

When Barack Obama won the election, Big Phil proudly waved the flag with his own patriotic music mash-up, dubbing inspirational Obama speech snippets ("Yes we can!" blah blah blah) over the rousing Richard Strauss composition Also Sprach Zarathustra.

Bizarro Phil's ironic response? A kazoo orchestra interpretation of the same song, with Bizarro Phil asking the musical question, "I am so gay. How gay?"

Finally, a desperate Big Phil introduced a tip jar to his site and invited listeners to contribute. Only, Big Phil insisted, he would never "beg for money."

Bizarro Phil entertains no such compunction. "I am begging for money, to pay for my abortion," Bizarro Phil declared in a voice mail to Big Phil's hotline.

"Ken is always trying to make me say I'm gay!" Big Phil protests, somehow confusing me with his anarchistic nemesis. But "I myself am not gay," he reassures his audience.

Speak up for cheesy porn music

My interest in the outcome is simple. I've invested heavily in Big Phil and I'd like to see the enterprise continue to prosper. The Search Engine Optimization geniuses now squeezing the life out of Twitter will understand when I explain that Big Phil sends many suckers, I mean visitors, to my own site, where they read the blog, type Jesus Killer in the comment box and depart.

As an example, thanks to Big Phil, my site is No. 3 on Google for the phrase cheesy porn music.

That's how I described Big Phil's closing theme, brother Clay Thompson's Smooth Talker, which I informally retitled Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown.

And you know what? Cheesy porn music is very popular on Google, along with ass itches and other disreputable phrases that drive traffic my way.

Anyway, if Big Phil cracks up, insiders whisper that network execs are prepared to offer Bizarro Phil a generous package to take over the coveted Sunday night slot. Gotta have a backup plan!

On recent shows, Phil played my songs My Fat Ass Itches, People I Know, True Love, and They Found Me Dead, the latter two performed live at Bill's Records in Dallas.

Big Phil vs. Bizarro Phil

Big Phil's favorite moments (4:47).

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil (1:36).

Big Phil is not gay (2:41).

Bizarro Phil begs for money (0:48).

turetzkysyndrome.com

Nation asks: 'Who will be the next weiner?'

Ken Turetzky — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:23:24 GMT

The time for panic will arrive soon enough.

As the Department of Homeland Security often reminds us, every American should know when to abandon all sense, cover your mouth and nose with a 10-cent dust mask from Home Depot and imagine you're bleeding internally.

But that moment is not here yet.

Nevertheless, these is tough times for pigs, what with Mexico's population decimated from the swine flu and Americans unsure who to blame for the potential pandemic. Should we blame the Mexicans or the pigs? Or the gays, unwed mothers, and for the hell of it, our old standby, the Jews?

Pig love

The blowback from swine flu has sidelined such popular acts as the Ham Bone Express, my old nemesis from the 2008 Fort Worth Mayfest, and I imagine some apprehension among 4-H families regarding the status of a good many midwestern county fairs scheduled for this summer.

From my perspective, I always enjoy visiting the Pig Barn and waiting patiently for a smiling, 4,000-pound swine, with an 8-digit tattoo on its left ham like an Auschwitz victim, struggle to its feet to enjoy a farewell scratch under the chin.

They're intelligent animals, really! Even smarter than dogs, which are really, really smart animals themselves!

News alert: Ham Bone Express sequestered!

Which brings me back to the Ham Bone Express. Whole hog excitement for your next event! pronounces its site, which also proclaims it champions of the dubious NPRA (National Pig Racing Association).

The proprietors write:

Greetings Ken,

Charlie and I just read your blog. You my friend are very funny.

At this point the public mood has not affected our bookings. However, we have made the choice to sequester our olympig racers to elevate the chance of suspect fair goers contaminating our precious pampered performers.

Thanks for your concern and keep on racing!

Charles and Carol Boger

Now, Carol mounts a brave front (cleverly turning the controversy on its curly little ear, so to speak), but I know she's concerned about the future of her enterprise. The shame of it is, pig racing was just earning long-deserved recognition as a big-time sport, rivaling pro wrestling and Major League Baseball. I mean, it's at least as legit as NASCAR!

Who will be the next weiner? asks the inscription on the Ham Bone Express trailer.

That's a question all of us should be asking ourselves right now. Will it be me, you, or the swine flu?

turetzkysyndrome.com

Mayfest pulls plug on pig flu scare

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:49:30 GMT

Oh, how the sausage turns.

Almost exactly one year ago, I was performing on the Zone Stage at Mayfest 2008 in Fort Worth, vainly competing for audience share with the far more appealing Ham Bone Express. I didn't stand a chance.

"I'm not finished entertaining you yet!" I hollered as the crowd abandoned me for the bright lights and carny appeal of the neighboring pig races.

Wonder how those little piggies are feeling today? I'll bet current events have really got them on the run.

Have you heard about this swine flu epidemic?

Via @guidelivemusic on Twitter, I learn that Tarrant County Health Department authorities have canceled Mayfest 2009 "in the interest of public health and safety."

Seems a bad case of Texas Swine Flu Hysteria has upset the old corn dog cart. (Hats off to faddish social media, proving to be quite the valuable tool in helping foment viral spread of public health scares!)

Who's coughing now, Mayfest?

Actually, I'd been feeling a bit down since the Mayfest folks declined to bring me back for another run at that Ham Bone Express crowd. I don't think they appreciated my account of last year's festival.

Not feeling so bad any more. Except for a little cough, that is. Might be running a temperature, too. I think I'll go to the mall, hang out with the crowd and breathe some fresh air.

turetzkysyndrome.com

Bad video: 'I've Got A Hole In My Head'

Ken Turetzky — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:58:02 GMT

In case you're wondering where I've been the past week, well, I've been immersed in geek mode, attempting to produce a video that won't turn to mush on YouTube.

But here's what I eventually discovered: Everybody's videos look bad on YouTube! The bad videos are what make YouTube a great big, fuzzy democracy.

This news arrives as a relief. Grooming is no longer necessary before one shoots a video, as nobody can tell what you look like, anyway. I might start calling myself Paul McCartney. People won't know the difference, as long as the volume's turned off.

And so, I'm proud to present this crappy looking video of I've Got A Hole In My Head, my opening number at the recent Deep Ellum Arts Festival.

Better than No Quality

Lee Cates, last seen at my Bill's Records set, returned to capture the pixellated action in beautiful Sony Hi8.

Select HQ mode (look for the icon at lower right in the video panel) for best display.

Spec sheet

Professional videographers will really enjoy the following technical detail. Be sure to let me know what all of this stuff means, because I don't understand any of it.

I've Got A Hole In My Head re-encoded with the open-source program VirtualDub, from the original .VOB digital rip.
VirtualDub filters: null transform (used to crop 720x480 video to 640x480), FadeFX (fade out and fade in), brightness/contrast, subtitler (using a script created with Sub Station Alpha).
Compressed with XviD MPEG-4 codec, quality setting 8/31 (file size 62.5MB). Video length: 2:57.

turetzkysyndrome.com